2001-06-19 04:24:00 (UTC)

back back back... the back of your mind, are you learning an angry
language? are you mad mad mad about the life you never
had, even when you were dreaming?" -ani

Backtracking stuf...
when i moved here i started getting upset and changing a
lot. but december 2000 was an all time low. i didnt want
to do anything. i laid in bed and cried and cried. i
couldnt sleep and i didnt want to move. i worked a lot but
i could barely even work i just cried in the stockroom. i
passed out a couple of times and sent home, because i
couldnt eat. i didnt eat or drink or sleep i just laid in
bed and cried and called him. but he never talked to me.
he said he'd call me later to get me off the phone, then
he'd never call. this i think was really worse than even
all the mean shit he said to me. because all the mean shit
he said to me, whether its true or not, CAN be written off
as anger and rage and all that... but this was like, he
knew how much pain i was in - i have never felt like this
in my life, so empty aching inside like it sounds so
cliche but its all true - he KNEW and he didnt care one
bit. i never want that feeling again ever. i want someone
who loves me that i love that will take care of me and deal
with me and help me and make me feel safe. he doesnt care
he doesnt love me... im so tired...