The Nightshade Princess
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2002-06-12 17:37:02 (UTC)

Pain, made to order Pt.2

Father has been frightening me more than usual. He
has been yelling at me more than usual, accusing me of
telling my mother everything that happens in his house. I
know not what I say, and he will not tell me. He tells me
I should keep my "fucking mouth shut." He won't tell me
where he's going or when he shall return, and I am home
alone or with my brother (who is more openly abusive than
he), most of the time, when I am not with my mother. It
hurts me when he says that my mother doens't love me, that
she only puts up with me so that she can get information to
put him in jail, when she is the only one who will buy me
food and try to heal me when I am so bruised. Father never
noticed or never cared when I had all but stopped eating.
I think now it came from stress more than anything else. I
still resist food often enough. I have no desire for it,
and it's flavours are lost on me when I at my father's
house. With my mother, my appetite returns and my wounds
He also told me that it was MY fault that my mother
never came back to him. My mother, he said, was the only
woman he ever loved, the only one he ever WILL love, and it
is because of my comments to her that he did not get her
back. He threatened to break up MY relationship with
LesTaT, the only one whom I love and the one to whom I one
day plan to be wed. He has already tried this, inserting
comments where they need not be, telling lies about me, and
generally being a complete ASS when no one is around. What
he does not understand is that my mother tells ME things
that even I did not know, it isn't the other way around. I
CAN'T give her any information she does not already have,
and I can't hide the fact that father is never home.
Mother and I didn't even SPEAK for six months to a year
after the divorce. I KNOW my mother and she swears to me
that she never would have gone back, and I know this. I
don't know why father must always try to destroy my
I am tired of trying to keep a code of silence that
does not work, that serves no purpose other than to
increase his power over me and to keep all my despair
locked within. I shall no longer hold back all that has
occurred in this nightmare, and I cannot change my father's
abusive behavior. Let it be thrown into the light. I love
you LesTaT, please don't forget this. I say to all of you,
expect more entries soon, full of all the secrets and all
the shadows of my father's home.