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2002-06-12 15:24:11 (UTC)

Two lives

This whole college life versus home life thing is not easy.
I'm having a hard enough time trying to figure out what I
want and who I am. On top of that I am living two lives.
It's weird and uncomfortable to be going back and forth
between New York life and Connecticut life. It took me just
about all year to finally feel settled up at school. Once I
was feeling good about being away at school and my new
life, it was time to go back to New York.
Red Caps was interesting. It had it's moments of being
great, but overall I felt sad most of the time. There were
some great moments where I had lots of fun with everyone.
But a there were too many times when people were just mean
to me. They messed up my name on my binder. They discluded
me from things. It just made me really sad, because only a
few of them remotely knew me and yet they already felt the
need to do such things. I don't know what I did wrong, what
I said, or who I crossed. But apparently I wasn't welcome
in the group. The irnoic part was that people kept on
talking about how close knit this year's red caps were.
That hurt even more. So I have come to the conclusion that
there is something severely wrong with me. And until I
figure it out and fix it, I will continue to be unhappy.
Robert said that I try too hard and should just relax and
be myself. The problem is that I'm not sure who "myself"
is. There are few times that I can look back upon and
say "yeah I was totally being myself. I didn't need to