2001-01-02 21:17:25 (UTC)

i sit here . full of..

i sit here . full of
thoughts....feelings.....curiosity.over whelming my mind
and my heart.i guess you could say i have an
inmagination.if thats what you wouldlike to call it.i dont
know.i have a friend a.j we have been through alot. and he
thinks that during all this he has hurt me. but he hasnt.
in the past when i got hurt.....i would run away never talk
to that person .couldnt even look at them. if that was the
case now i would of left a.j a long time ago. but see he
hasnt hurt me.even though he may think he did. you know i
have been hurt alot in my life. it scares me sometimes. i
never want to go through that again. thats why i tend to
keep stuff ot myself.rather then expressing it. afraid of
what others will think or even if they will understand.not
many do.i have tried to tell some but they sat in
confusion. not really understanding why i was feeling what
i was feeling or even understading it.i lok at things
differently then most. like when i listen to a song. the
words are all i hear. the music so light but the words
strong.i guess thats why i want to sing. cause i have
strong words yet still trying to find a way to express
them. i guess what i am doing right now is a way.and
believe me this has helped me. more then you would know.but
still i dont tell all. dont know why.kinda hurts me inside.
knowing i have so much to say yet i am silent.someitmes i
will sit by my window. look out side and wonder. why is my
life the way is.?? i ask. i sit for an answer. but still i
get none. i watch people walking up and down the streets.
some walking with pride. there heads held high like they
know they are something speical...something to look at . i
turn my head and see a child. torn clothes. giving no eye
contact with anyone. ashamed of what she is. how her life
has treated her. me even seeing a tear run down her cheek.
she walks colding. shaking. like as if her heart is cold
and she cant live no more. kinda like me at times. so as i
am still looking out my window seeing
hurt.happiness.pain.what ever you can think of. and then i
would just take all this in .but the hurt i saw always
tends to hit me the most. cause i know the feeling. it has
been my best friens for a long while. not saying that i am
always in pain. there are days when you see me smile it's a
real smile. not a cover up for the thoughts i was thinking
or anything.i cant say that all my life there has just been
pain. cause i have been happy before. it's just that i wish
i could have more of it in my life.i like to happy . i mean
who really doesnt.but most of my life all my eyes have seen
in hurt.you could look in my eyes sometimes and know i am
truly happy or you will se pain.sometimes i guess thats why
i dont give eyes contact with others so they wont know i am
hurting.i guess i dont want them to see that part of me, i
dont want them to.....i am pretty used to it being just
me,myself and i.i remeber a time when i was asked. where is
my favorite place to be in the whole world. i said my room.
cause it's where i can be me. with no one to judge me.of
who ia m or what i will be.i dont know i guess you think
this is pretty boring. i guess you would have to be in my
shoes to know exactly what i feel.you'd be in for a ride.i
dont know......my thoughts are weird at times. sometimes i
dont even understand them.dont even know why i think them i
just do.guess people would call me cause of that i tend to
get that alot. just ask my friends . they all think i am
crazy well most of them anyway. cause i am different i
guess.who knows.no one could really explain me. only i
could . i dont know..........