sex kitten

life of a porn star
2001-06-18 17:15:08 (UTC)

my thoughts and state of mind

well i updated last night but i have a lot of time on my
hands and i feel like expressing. so i finished my book
last night and i was laying in bed thinking about it.
people say that reading is good and it makes you educated-
ok but is it really that healthy to read something you like
a lot and think about it a lot after you read it. i
sometimes wonder how healthy my daydreams are too. if i
think about something long enough i can will myslef to
believe it true. this probabally makes no sense so i will
give an example. Lets say i like a guy i dont know very
well. all i want to do is sit in my room and think about
him. after awhile i have to remind myself that it would
never really happen. the problem is i think too much and it
becomes very consuming. i start to lose touch with reality
and it makes me sad when i come back down. using a guy as
an example sounds very shallow, and mabey i am but i do
this with other things too. sometimes i think i come across
as stupid and shallow. i dont do any thing though. i have
nothing interesting to offer as a friend so i talk about
superficial things. but my shrink says that i am very
mature for my age and that i am a very caring pesron with
lack of self confidence. but that does not really explain
my depression. i dont know why i am so depressed i have a
fairly good life but i always cry and i cant stop.
sometimes i dont take my pills so i can cry because when i
take them i cant. it feels good to cry though. esp when i
am alone it releases anger and sadness and there are worse
thingss i have tried to release this pain. i am relatively
suicidal but i am a coward. i have seen the effects of
suicide on my friends and it hurts so bad. i have cut my
self but i am always afraid to go as far as the viens. i
have a bottle of painkillers from my wisdom teeth that make
you sleep but i am too afraid to take them. im afraid that
if i take them i might die and miss something. mabey that
is the meaning of life, holding on to the future in order
to expiriace things you havent yet. i thought i had
expirianced every thing i wanted to but i still want to get
married and have a baby. i think that is all that i have
left that i really want and then i can live for them. ok
yeah i really wan to fall in love but after some of the
expiriances ive had with the opposite sex, i really think i
need to learn to be stable on my own. as for having a child
i believe it is the greatest accomplishment person can
aachieve, making someone, a human being with a personality,
in their own image. i probabally should not worry about
this for another 10 yrs but i sometimes think about alying
in a hospitol bed holding my first child, smiling at my
husband and crying tears of joy.- well that was pretty
random expressing -more later love u all steph

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