camicazy

suicide

'And just now I've realized how selfish suicide is. I feel
no one will give a damn because I crave attention for
myself. I want to affect their life so that I become its
focus. Isn't that what we want out of suicide? A final
desperate attempt at significance when we feel
insignificant.'
Ricardo

a few years back when i was in my violent/suicidal phase, i
remember talking to a friend about suicide...and how i
wanted to die.

expecting a response like, 'no! please don't do it!' i was
very surprised when i heard his response. he said:

'candice, if you commit suicide, then you are telling your
family and friends that they are nothing but shit.'

i didn't understand. he explained, 'if you commit suicide
you are showing them that they are not doing a good enough
job to make your life worth living. that they are not worth
anything to you because you would rather die than be with
them. it is a very selfish act and it will hurt them more
than it will hurt you.'

suicide sometimes might feel like the easy way out but is
it really? for me it is a selfish act of cowardice. it
shows how a person would rather run away from the problem
than face it. and most of the time, people who commit
suicide, or attempt suicide, are people who just crave for
attention. pretty pathetic really.

but of course there are people who commit suicide simply
because they don't want to live anymore. probably because
they're fed up with the world, probably because they don't
wanna start from scratch again. rich businessmen who lost
their jobs jumped out of windows and killed themselves.
whatever for? because they have no source of income
anymore? is it because they don't wanna start all over
again, stay poor (or middle-class) for a while, begin a new
business, and wait for years before they become rich again?
or is it because of shame? they have lost their pride,
their prestige...and probably, most of their friends too.

perhaps some people commit suicide with the hope that when
they are reborn, they will be better creatures (not
necessarily human) and start a new life with a new
identity, etc.

i wonder if people regret killing themselves. imagine
falling from a building, and while falling you suddenly
realize that you don't want to die...

i wanted to kill myself because i wanted to get back at the
people who hurt me. i wanted to hurt them so badly and make
them feel the consequences of their actions. but i didn't
want to hurt everybody who were close to me. i didn't want
the people who treated me well feel like shit. i guess they
were the reason that held me back. and god.

i remember walking out to the kitchen in the middle of a
night. grabbed a knife, placed my hand firmly on the
counter, and held the knife close to my left wrist. i was
angry, sad, frightened. i stood there for several minutes.
and was about to cut when i felt a presence that said i
shouldn't do it. vengeance is not mine...it's god's. it's
god's.

i silently put the knife back. felt tears coming to my eyes
and slowly walked back to my room. who was i to play god?

i am happy i'm still alive. every now and then i do wish i
was dead but that's where it all stops. i don't intend to
kill myself. not now. not ever.

but death i must admit is sometimes beautiful.

'is death the last sleep? no - it is the last and final
awakening.'
sir walter scott