My so called life...
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2002-06-11 05:32:36 (UTC)


Mood: Confused
Listening to: Tom Waits - Alice
Reading: Gear Magazine

"That's the gutsy'st move I ever saw." Wolfman to Mavrick -

Okay, I'm a little confused, a little unsure of what I
should do. As you can probably tell, yes, its about a girl.
SPK amazes me. I don't know if its her genius intellect, her
quirky charm, or just the things she represents. She has so
many things that I search for and so many things I always
thought I could never have. I know that I will probably
never become what I have always wanted to be. A person that
impresses with their long list of accolades. A person of
somewhat power and wealth. To put it simply, I'm an average
person. I will most likely never get an MBA or attend grad
school, like I've always wanted and that bothers me.

Okay wait! I think I'm getting ahead of myself. I tend to
jumble my thoughts together and not make any sense. So I'll
start from the beginning.

I met this girl, like how most of us meet girls. She was a
friend of a friend, who at first didn't impress me at all.
Tell you the truth, I had to ask her for her name on several
occasions and honestly didn't really care to remember it.
Looking back, I cannot recall how or why we started talking.
But our "relationship" has always been okward since then.
And by relationship, I mean the social setting in which we
interact, not our dying devotion to one another. I was going
to say our platonic relationship but its not completely
platonic either. Our relationship is okward because we are,
or atleast for me, I'm torn between, the struggle of
maintaining a friendship or having the guts to go for the
gusto. This choice must be made wisely for the penalties for
a poor choice are quite severe.

I guess I feel like I am at the crossroads. Which path
should I take, for both look equally remote. It is hard for
me to choose. I don't know if this is something that I do
alone or if the rest of mankind ponders over such things
before embarking on a quest for a girl's heart. But I ask
myself, "what can I offer." What can I offer this person?
Will my company, my association, improve the quality of this
person's life? You may think this is too much to ask
yourself when you meet someone but I don't think so. I
believe you must ask what a person can give you but equally
important if not more, what can you offer this person.

SPK, my so-called interest, is at a level that only few can
dream of. She is currently in grad pharmacy school, at the
top of her class. She is, I admit, quite quirky but she has
a charm and beauty that I have rarely been witness to. To
put it simply, I don't think I can compare to her. And that
is my problem. What can I offer her?

I have a degree but I doubt I can get into an MBA program. I
have a job but am still searching for a career. And to top
it all off, I have $5 in my savings account.

The only thing that I am compeletly confident in giving her
is myself. For I know, in regards to my character, I can
hold my own.

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