eidolon

shifting mists
2002-06-11 04:55:45 (UTC)

the inconsequentiality of me ...

... it's June .. and it's HOT and i miserable .... i can't remember
it ever being this warm here at this time of year before .. though
obviously it must have been or i'd be hearing news of ''record
breaking'' temperatures ...

... no matter .. i hate it ...

I have no defense
I'm all that you see
The night is a bomb blast
The night is on fire

... when did i go from that girl who loved the summer and the heat to
ThiS?? ... this hermit .. this mole .... unwilling to go outside
because it's too bright out .. because it's too hot out ...
uncomfortable and sweaty in the heat instead of dry and cool .... i
never used to sweat ... or .. rarely ... now it's all the time ...

Think of me sometimes, I'd never tell
Do you recognize me, think that you know me well
I think you're changing, configuring

.. yes .. i know .... part of it is the anxiety .. the stress .... it
makes me warm .. it makes me perspire ... i get out of the shower
that way .. no matter what temperature the water .. i get out and i'm
warm ... and already perspiring .. sometimes so badly that it drips
down my cheeks ...

... and it's miserable ...

These are the days that I'm split down the middle
No words to calm me down

.... the Wellbutrin doesn't help anxiety ... only keeps my
rollercoaster on level ground ... which is good ... i'm NOT
complaining ... i haven't felt this emotionally well for quite a long
time ... aware of my surroundings and a part of the world ... in
control ..... and yet ... in trade .. i have to deal with the
increased stress and anxiety ... and the side-effects of those
issues ...

I memorize the basics
Making strange faces
Tread slowly for i know
There's a thousand miles to go
Without blinking

... i quit therapy ... first group therapy ... then .. more recently,
the one on one .... unsatisfied i guess ... not with my progress ...
but ... with my therapist .... with the group i was going to which
slowly i became more and more uncomfortable in ... i know that was
what's-her-name's fault .... that one advocate who always looked at
me like i was some kind of fuck up because of the relationship
dysfunction going on between my parents and myself ... she never
tried to understand .. just judged and sneered and .... ~sighing~ ...
it got to the point, when she started taking over the meetings, that
i just wasn't comfortable going any more ....

I want you to remember
Everything you said
Every driven word
Like a hammer
Hell
To my head

.... i KNOW i need a therapist .... i just .... i need to find one i
like ... one i can ''click'' with ... because ... i just don't with
those that i've had so far .... and if i don't .. then i don't look
forward to going ... and then ... i just don't go ...

... my health insurance with my new job will start mid-August ... i
wonder if i can wait that long ... i can't really afford to not
wait .. financially i mean ... so ... not much of a choice to that i
guess ....

Everything's gone white
And everything's grey
Now you're here now you're away
I don't want this
Remember that
I'll never forget where you're at

... on a different note ... someone i care about deeply tried to kill
themselves last week ... this makes me really sad .. it makes me want
to run over there and give hugs and an ear ... a shoulder ....
though, i'm really not sure he'd welcome that or want that .... or
even want to talk to me these days ....

Could have been easier on you
I couldn't change though I wanted to
Could have been easier by three
Our old friend fear and you and me
Glycerine

... it bothers me that he reached that line .... a line i'd always
hoped he wouldn't experience but somehow sensed he would ...

.. i worry about him ... i care too much not to i guess ....

... i feel like a spectator recently ... like i'm watching time go
by .. the world go by ... and what will be, will be ... with or
without my influences and nudging fingers .... i'm not sure if i like
this feeling or not ... i want to continue to positively influence
and effect other's lives .. yet .... i seem so ...
inconsequential ...

There is no where left to hide
There is nothing to be done
No people to be saved
No pets we've never named
40 miles from the sun

... it'll pass ...


Lyrics courtesy of Bush.