camicazy

Meshed Up
2002-06-10 17:52:58 (UTC)

sigh

sometimes i feel like i live a loser's life.

i had a glimpse of how a girl lives her life and i realize
that my life is practically nothing compared to hers. all
the things she does and can do...i can't and don't do.
pretty sad.

am i just a wuss?

i need to be nicer too. i need to stop bitching so much and
resenting others for things so trivial that.. that...i
shouldn't even give a second thought about them.

sigh. basically i want to be a better person.

i wish i don't care so much about stuff. they hurt me so
much. everything exists in my head. if only i can stop
thinking...then maybe my life would be easier. but if i
stop thinking, candice would disappear. i wouldn't be me
anymore.

still i feel frustrated with the things that i can't do,
with the things that i am not. i wish i could change. but
as the saying goes, you can't win 'em all. and yes, i can't
be perfect. even if i try with all my mind, my heart, and
my soul, i can never be perfect.

dear god. i've grown so far away from you now. wish i can
feel you more...wish i was closer to you.

all i wanna do now is lose myself in a world of dreams. i
just wish i can stop limiting myself to the standards of
this world. why can't i be something more? someone more?
why can't i rise above the earth? why can't i just tell my
brain to shut up, to stop creating delusions, to just stop
caring about nonsensical things?

feeling frustrated and helpless. wonder if anybody will eat
my brain one day. watched hannibal tonight and saw anthony
hopkins eat brain. looks kinda yummy. but i dare not touch
internal organs of any being whether human or animal.

but hannibal was beautiful. the movie i mean. anthony
hopkins is so good. scary. when judas iscariot hung
himself, he died with his face turned up to the tree.
francesco piazza hung with his face down, right beside the
archbishop. when i die, i want to die like judas. my face
turned up to him...to god. imploring him to take me.

i still don't wanna die. not yet. i hope my death is quick
and painless.

someone said when you slash your wrists and put it under
hot water (or maybe lie in a tub filled with hot water) you
don't feel a thing. you just lie there and wait and let all
the blood come pouring out. you fall asleep...and never
wake up.

almost slashed my wrists a few years ago. no hot tub
though. just me and a knife.