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2002-06-10 17:51:57 (UTC)

Same sh*t diffrent day...

I have no one else to talk to about my deepest darkest
secrets. I can just have verbal diarehha here, and not
worry about spelling.
I seperaed from my boyfriend with whom I lived with for
about a year with my 3 year old. One bright sun-shinny day
I had an awakening. I need to be on my own to sort my
affairs, career training and raising my daughter according
to how I see fit. I have been quite happy getting ready to
begin schooling and my daughter seems happier too now that
its just us doing as we please. I still see my boyfriend on
a regular basis and I feel even more close to him than
before. Things were on the up and up!
My ex boyfriend who lives several cities away had got
into a terrible accident at work breaking his back and
shattering his foot to nothing but metal rods and pins. I
went to go visit with my daughter in tow and my best friend
who is good friends with him too. He was quite doped up.
But he was so happy to see me..He was just as if not more
happy to see my daughter..he has always considered her his
little buddy. I held his hand when he cried about the
horrendous fall he taken and that he is learing to walk
again with a new foot. He knows his job is over, he was the
foreman in the company. He is scared and needs some advice.
I gave him assurance that it is still too early to assume
the future in his job aspect and that he will always have
my daughter and I to talk to when he is unsure and scared.
I feel so bad for him, and then my best friend had to tell
me about his recent love life...
This wierd jellous emotion came over me. I honestly
was confused and tried to rationalize why.. I find myself
thinking about things to take him while he is down to pass
the time, even give him a hair cut and a shave, like the
scene from "phenomenon" whith John Travota being so lost
and alone, that was exacally how I saw him, and that is how
he is to me..Like John's character in the movie..He treated
me like a queen when we were together..So happy and so
passionate to me..But then I find myself slamming back into
reality with my boyfriend and how warm he makes me
feel..what is going on here? I wish I could talk to my
friends about this but I don't want them to know .. I
almost feel like thinking about it is cheating on my
I found an old picture of us and my daughter that he
gave me to hold on to..Three of us hugging and beaming from
ear to ear...this is confusing me..
I feel like I want to marry my boyfreind that I am
with now. I could be happy years from now with him..Then
the thoughts of my ex float in..The part that really bites
though is that I felt this way with my ex when I was with
him..the man I was with before him even, he kept floating
back into the picture and that is exacally why my ex and I
split was this man and I got back together briefly..I am
unstable..I refer back to my expalination of Jezabel a few
passages ago...I am doomed.