§±leeny±§

±My LiFe±
2002-06-10 16:51:26 (UTC)

My SeVeNtH eNtRy-hElP

i told raleigh...and it...well i need help...i majorly
botched the job...just read this part of the IM...Me is
me...and RaLeIgH is Raleigh...i replaced names for the
sns...let it b known that b4 what u can c...we were talkin
bout the size of his w a n g...just joking though...so
don't get any ideas...also he is not normally like
that...only since his friend evan did it and i said it was
funny...ok...here's the IM...please note me...i need help...


Me: what was w/ u tonite
Me: u r neva like that
Me: it's just not u
Me: it's part of y i liked u
Me: i didn't tink u were like completely ed
RaLeIgH: im not like that often
Me: i guess my dream of a guy that's not completely
ed is shattered
Me: u just all the sudden up and changed
RaLeIgH: ok think what you want, but ya know,if it would
make a differance, ive been like this like twice, im still
the same old boring me
Me: it's not...ur like evan
Me: your not boring
Me: i liked ya that has to mean somethin
Me: but i guess it doesn't
Me: o who cares
RaLeIgH: im sorry
Me: it's ok
Me: my lil fairy tale had to b shattered some time!;-)
RaLeIgH: you seemed to be enjoying it
RaLeIgH: im only human
Me: i did...but then i thought about it...and it's not
u...i mean at least not the u i knew...kari typed half the
stuff anyway...i am not like that...helli didn't even know
what cum meant...it's not yo fault...u can b u...that's who
u should b...i just wasn't used to it
Me: u and amba probly fit together better anyway
RaLeIgH: no
Me: no what?
RaLeIgH: not amber
Me: what do u mean not amba
Me: u like her
RaLeIgH: not really
Me: she likes u
RaLeIgH: sorry bout that one but your wrong
Me: w/ me and u it's one sided
Me: u said u liked her
RaLeIgH: you never know
Me: and u gotta admit u'd rather b w/ her than me
RaLeIgH: not nesecarily
Me: if u didn't...u woulda said somethin all 4 times i
asked u out
Me: it's ok
Me: don't worry bout me
RaLeIgH: you see there is a whole different side of me,
that i dont usually let out, i can be just as wild and
stuff as the next guy
RaLeIgH: i do sometimes
Me: i know
Me: and that's fine
Me: that's u
Me: it's just...i didn't know it was u
RaLeIgH: but when i let it out i enjoy it, and i try to
make the most of it
Me: amba is much betta 4 u then me...more experienced and
all else
RaLeIgH: experienced?
RaLeIgH: what are you talking about?
Me: like i have neva had a bf
Me: neva kissed a guy
RaLeIgH: its ok
Me: that kinda stuff
RaLeIgH: ive never made out with a
Me: u gotta admit it's not normal
RaLeIgH: ive never done anything with a
Me: you've probly kissed one though
Me: or slow danced w/ one that wasn't just a friend
Me: i haven't
Me: it's fine
Me: i gotta let go
Me: go out w/ amba
Me: u should
Me: she really likes u
Me: i tink she is on now
RaLeIgH: iknow he problem is i dont like her all that much
anymore
Me: you're just sayin that...it's ok...i
Me: *i'll deal
Me: u wouldn't date me even if u didn't like her
RaLeIgH: dont say that
RaLeIgH: you never know
Me: yes i do
RaLeIgH: no you dont
Me: don't worry about me
RaLeIgH: thats the thing
Me: i'll b fine
RaLeIgH: but i do worry bout you sometimes
Me: my friends need me free so i can help them w/ guy prob
anyway
Me: y would u worry bout me
RaLeIgH: so now you dont want me/
Me: i'll b fine
RaLeIgH: i get it
Me: i neva said that
RaLeIgH: i just wanted to have some fun tongiht
Me: i just said...u shouldn't go out w/
me...i'm...not...well...good enough
RaLeIgH: NO YOUR NOT
RaLeIgH: DONT SAY THAT
Me: and do not have self esteem problems
Me: i'm just extremely practicly
RaLeIgH: you just, dont want to accept that we just might
have a chance do you?
RaLeIgH: you there?
Me: we don't if we did it would have happened...and the
topic wouldn't b touchy...i just gotta lower my
standards...go out w/ guys who...thoughi don't like them
they like me...cause that's as close as i'm eva gonna get
RaLeIgH: what are you not getting about this? im saying i
think that maybe in a bit we might have a chance
Me: don't lead me on...u have no idea the hell of cin all
your friends dating...and u not...and then the best guy
ucan get...eitheru don't like...or jsut wants to make out
w/ u
RaLeIgH: i know what its like to be lonley
Me: u know what it's like to have no gf...but gurls taht
like u
RaLeIgH: when did you learn not to trust me, is it that i
have a hidden life , i actuly have 2, but you
Me: but i what?
RaLeIgH: thats not supposed to be there
Me: no
Me: u were gonna say somethin
Me: say it
RaLeIgH: its not supposed to be there
RaLeIgH: trust me
Me: yes it is...u meant to delete it
Me: but u typed it
Me: i should go
Me: i keeping u up
RaLeIgH: you just cant accept me?
RaLeIgH: i dont care
Me: waht do u mean by taht?
Me: what do u mean i can't just accept u?
Me: ???
RaLeIgH: why are you being like this?, i dont like amber a
lot, and i just need some time, to be me
Me: y am i bein like what?
Me: like me
Me: u think i'm happy?
Me: u tink i'm bubbly all the time
RaLeIgH: no
RaLeIgH: no one is
Me: hell no
RaLeIgH: i just wanted to have some fun
Me: but guess what everyone else does
RaLeIgH: and you did too
RaLeIgH: you know it
Me: it makes other people happy when i am happy
Me: so guess what ur two people
Me: and i'm about 3
Me: that's y we could never work
RaLeIgH: im not, im about 3, he one i am in public and with
my friends and with people i care about, im all good
Me: only one person has even started to break the surface
Me: and she pulled away
RaLeIgH: just when im hyper and and everything
RaLeIgH: you know how it is
Me: no one can know me...i am not happy...i am nto stable
RaLeIgH: thats alright
RaLeIgH: why are we even getting into this right now
Me: guess what
Me: let me scare u
Me: i have thought about
Me: meegs had it in her diary
Me: u can look
Me: i'm not stable
Me: i'm not a good person for anyone to b around
Me: ok
Me: that's y u shouldn't go out w/ me
Me: that's y u should date amba
Me: now do u get y everyone that comes close gets a huge
shove in the other direction
Me: ???
Me: u don't though
RaLeIgH: you are a beautiful human being, with a great
personality, who just needs to be let out for some fresh
air, just like me
RaLeIgH: and DONT DOUBT IT
Me: that's just what u think
Me: i have been like this since th 4th grade
Me: my parents split
Me: adn so did i
Me: i am not a beautiful human bein
Me: i am a messed up human bein
RaLeIgH: im not backing away am i? we all have our problems
Me: most people don't have this big of psycological problems
Me: and if they do
Me: it's a disease
RaLeIgH: DAMNIT JUST BE LET OUT LIKE I AM SOMETIMES, BE FUN
AND CAREFREE, its good for you
Me: meegs always usta say i would have a mental breakdown
b4 the age of 21
Me: u don't know that
Me: i am destructive
RaLeIgH: yes i do
RaLeIgH: no your not
Me: i hurt people
RaLeIgH: i just want to be cool for tonight
Me: steven got too close
Me: at believe 2 yrs ago
Me: look how we r now
Me: we refuse to talk to eachother
RaLeIgH: im different than him and i understand things
differently,
Me: meegs and i got to close
Me: i lost her raleigh
Me: she's gone
Me: my bff and she's gone
RaLeIgH: im sorry
Me: there's notin 4u2b sry bout
Me: i did it
Me: i did all of it
RaLeIgH: how did we start talking about this ne way, we
dont need to talk abou it for tonight
RaLeIgH wants to directly connect.
RaLeIgH: i have another pic
RaLeIgH is now directly connected.
Me: w/e
RaLeIgH:
RaLeIgH: MAN MAN!
Me: it is the same pic
RaLeIgH: nope its closer
Me: w/e
RaLeIgH: even better
Me: u got too close raleigh
RaLeIgH: oh did i?
Me: y did u have to c this...y did u have to actually care
Me: now it's ruined
RaLeIgH: well im not gonna let our friendship go down the
drain
Me: now you'll end up like meegs and steven
Me: yes u will
RaLeIgH: why are you talking like this
Me: you'll neva forget tonite
RaLeIgH: your the one whos sayin you want it to end
Me: i speak from experience
RaLeIgH: your making such a big deal out of something so
Me: i don't want it to but it wil
RaLeIgH: no it wont
Me: i always does
RaLeIgH: i wont let it
Me: u won't mean to let it
Me: meegs tried so hard
Me: but she couldn't and u won't b able to
RaLeIgH: DAMNIT WHY ARE YOU SO HARD ON YOUR SELF, your the
one who is saying , you are the one whos hurting yourself,
you see just be positive
Me: i'm not a good person
RaLeIgH: YES YOU ARE
Me: i have to b hard on myself
RaLeIgH: NO YOU DONT
Me: or else i'll slip up
Me: and then people get angry
RaLeIgH: NO YOU WONT, ITS ALRIGHT FOR PEOPLE TO GET ANGRY,
DONT TALK SO BAD ABOUT YOURSELF
Me: it's not good for people to get angry
Me: specially not on my account
RaLeIgH: its not good, but its not bad
RaLeIgH: listen to what i have to say
Me: ok
RaLeIgH: LISTEN AND DONT MAKE ANY EXCUSES, AND DONT PUT
YOURSELF DOWN
Me: i'm listenin
RaLeIgH: i know you are an awesome person, who is one of my
friends, and whos been through some rough times, but its
alright, your taking it out on yourself which is wrong, you
are a good person i know it, and it makes me sick when you
talk like this, it really does, it hurts me to,
Me: ru done?
RaLeIgH: you are a beautiful person, who is very fun
RaLeIgH: and dont talk bad about yourself again, i know
there is a whole bunch of next level or somethin,
haha, but we just gotta stay cool
RaLeIgH: movie line
Me: raleigh...the people your friends w/...or go out
w/...need to b stable
RaLeIgH: you are stable, trust me
RaLeIgH: its alright
Me: no it's not...i'll hurt u...i don't want to hurt
u...God...that is the last thing i want to do
RaLeIgH: no you wont
RaLeIgH: trust me
RaLeIgH: thats what you need to do
RaLeIgH: you were so fun
Me: i'll hurt you...or...i'll hurt myself by liking u...and
always talking to you...and neva eva gettinto do anything
about it
Me: were bein the key word there
RaLeIgH: doesnt have to be
Me: ???
RaLeIgH: we can
Me: only if u wanted to...and u don't...i don't want u to
ask me out outta pitty...and amba really likes you...we may
have are differences... his would really hurt her
Me: b
Me: *but
Me: this
RaLeIgH: i do
Me: u do what?
RaLeIgH: still want to be fun an , you said only if
u wanted to...and u don't..
RaLeIgH: and its not out of pity
Me: at the begining of the night u don't...and now u
do...it's outta pity raleigh...and somewhere...in the back
of your mind...you know it's tru
RaLeIgH: do you want proof its not out of pity?
RaLeIgH: ??
Me: that at the beginning of the night u didn't like me
like that
Me: and suddenly u do
RaLeIgH: its not out of pity
Me: if it wasn't
Me: then one of the 4 times i asked u
Me: u wouldn't of talked bout amba
RaLeIgH: do you want proof that me, wanting to be "fun"
right now isnt pity?
Me: what proof?
Me: u wanted someone to basicully have fun w/...and u knew
exactly who to ask
RaLeIgH: npe
Me: npe?
RaLeIgH: nope
Me: o
RaLeIgH: i had so much fun before
RaLeIgH: why not now?
Me: because
Me: i didn't even want to do any of it
Me: but it's my fault i did...i shouldn't care what others
say
Me: but i do
Me: i'm not like that
RaLeIgH direct connection is closed.
Me: now uc?
Me: i told u you'd get pushed away
RaLeIgH: ig2g my dads yellin at me to go to bed
Me: i have summer gym in the morning...i should probobly
get to bed
Me: bye
RaLeIgH signed off


there it is ttyl bye


±leeny±


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