Life as I know it.
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2001-06-17 23:44:13 (UTC)

today is the greatest day ive ever known

Saturday night was infuckinsane, went out with john and
mark and went to a gay bar, but oh no there was this one
guy (not too shabby) who was all up on grinding with me,
now see im not attracted to gay men, seriously, i know i
wnot change them and i like my men to be super manly...but
gay men love me, i swear im gonna somehow end up marrying a
gay man.

Well I sent matt that letter and im thinking he should get
it monday, though we talked on im today...i initiated it
cause I had to tell him i have an interview for my dream
job at the museum, i applied for it while we were dating
and the such, and i thought he should know. Then we just
started talking, he brought up this email that i sent him
drunkenly one night, like two days after we broke up about
us sleeping with eachother, i asked him to delete it but he
wont....i even tried the jedi mind trick and it didnt
work. He might be laid off of his job soon, which really
sucks cause he likes his job a whole lot. It was weird,
like we were kind of flirting via im but not explicitly
really, though he asked if i still wanted to fuck him and
basically laughed. It was nice, and oddly enough I didnt
cry or think about that conversation constantly. It was
just really nice to talk to him, cause we went from talking
numerous amounts of times, to zero right after we broke

so you are wondering about the letter arent you? Basically
I apologized for what a bitch i was being, explained a few
of my actions which im sure got misinterpreted during the
relationship, wished him well with his new girl he is
dating, told him i missed him like crazy but things wont
work out cause i even know they wont, thanked him for being
there and being a part of my life that ill never forget
that i dont want to forget, thanked him for loving me all
he could and sorry that I couldnt do the same (my life is
insane the history that is), told him i liked talking to
him but cant do it that much now cause basically i still
love him and i cant be friends with a person i still love,
but in time maybe we could be friends, and basically told
him what the hell was going on in my life. I think it was
a good thing to do, maybe it wasnt. I feel a lot better
now that I told him all those things...so I really dont
care what he thinks, I just want him to understand me. I
also told him the exact moment when i realized I loved him,
cause he said he loved me first but I think i realized that
i loved him before he even uttered the words...cause i
seriously still think that he thinks that i never loved him
as much as he loved me--i have weird ways of showing
affection words are meaningless to me most of the time. I
also told him I cant date again til I figure myself out,
cause how can I know whom I want to date when I dont even
really know myself that well. Whcih is 100% true. I'm 21
and im good looking, sweet, intelligent, all in all a good
catch so i know i wont be single forever so right now I am
going to try to be happy being single, im usually happier
when i am...though just as i start to relish my singledom
love always hits me....its true what hey say, love hits
when you least expect it.

Right now I think I could be decent friends with him, as
long as no one else is around, sounds weird but I need to
be friends with him first before i meet his new girl or see
his friends again. to make sure, i guess, that i wont be
upset when i have to hear about everything. Cause it
really did bother me when he brought up his past being a
womanizer, using women, thats all he did for a long time.
Then he met me and fell head over heels. Its nice to know
that I affected someone that greatly but still dont want to
know the past. Im sure you know how it is.

Anyway off to get ready to go to the movies, thank goodness
for life distractions.

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