Meshed Up
2002-06-10 07:13:19 (UTC)

train of thought

feeling a bit better now. not too much pain in my body
anymore but i still have to go see the doctor on wednesday.
sigh. hope what i have isn't anything too serious.

pretty good day today. cold and quiet. winter feels like
autumn for some reason.

a friend of mine back home said that when men love me, they
really love me. i don't think it's true though. there are a
few i guess who really cared for me...but there were also in particular, who said he loved me just to
use me.

'i love you.' sometimes the phrase does not mean anything
to me anymore. that's how men dupe women. that's how men
get women to agree to sleep with them.

it's sad the word love can be used so lightly.
it destroys the whole meaning and essence of it.

never ever say 'i love you' unless you mean it and really
feel it.


gray skies. 4.42pm now. i hear the sirens of an ambulance
rushing off to save a life. i wonder how many people are
dying at this very moment.

i have never felt the sorrow of a person when someone close
to him dies. i don't know how i will feel if someone i
loved died. someone i truly cared for. i don't know if i
will be able to continue living.

i can still remember a guy sitting in the back of a police
car. he had a hood over his head and i saw nothing but his
nose and his mouth...his unshaven beard.

there are times when i walk alone and wonder how it would
feel to have somebody jump up behind me and put a knife
through my skin. there are times when i think of the
feeling of a bullet exploding across my skull. or the
impact when a body hits the ground after falling from a

i don't want to die. but i don't want to live forever.


'I believe that imagination is stronger than knowledge,
that myth is more potent that history. I believe that
dreams are more powerful than facts - that hope always
triumphs over experience - that laughter is the only cure
for grief. And I believe that love is stronger than death.'

The Crow