Alexander Dickson

Silent Hill: Town of Unforgetable Memori
2002-06-09 02:26:02 (UTC)

Loneliness

I have almost a full bottle of vodka right next to me and
I'm not drinking it. Wondering why, maybe its because I
know deep down in my heart (yeah right, my "heart" hasn't
felt anything for nearly 4 years now) I know it won't help
me forget about the crippling lonliness. OK, I have no
idea what crippling lonliness is in comparison to regular
lonliness but I'm still lonely in some format. It's not
the gay thing either. I don't need that kind of contact
right now, or probably anytime soon. Contrary to almost
(almost being the key word, there are a few exceptions)
everyone I have ever met, I believe sex isn't the most
important thing in the world. Or face eating. I just miss
the closeness of a group.

Last year we hung out together all the time. Spending at
least 5 hours a day at least once a week at someone's
house. True things have changed since then.

Graeme now lives and works in Falkirk practically all the
time now, although he was the last person to come to my
house, which puts things into perspectie a little for me.
He's furthest away and I still have seen him more than
others. He goes to Napier University in Edinburgh (I think
thats where it is, I should know, I almost went there
instead of Stirling).

Ruth no longer lives "down the road" an is 2 hours walk
away in Renfrew. She has little time away from St. Andrews
when she's up there. Also she is planning on getting some
summer job so she'll be nowhere to be seen a great deal of
the time.

Christine seems to have completely shyed away from the
hanging out thing and randomly chooses to go on brief
drives at night where you get little warning and if
there's more than her and one other person in the car,
someone has to be relegated to the back seat on their
todd. Usually me in fact. She was at Stirling until the
start of June. I finished my access course at Christmas.

Sarah lives in Glasgow now and is still going through some
uber-psycho stuff. I have no idea if she's even in Glasgow
or if she's back in Paisley or if shes someplace else. I'm
betting the others haven't went anywhere near her. I'm no
better but I'm going to change that here and now. At least
I'll message her and see how she's doing.

Andrew has as good as vanished from my life. The most
contact I have had with him recently were a couple of
messages about Metal Gear Solid 2 and when he picked up
Christine's phone a few days back while Ruth was at my
house. I never would have known he were there if I hadn't
phoned. That's just fucked up.

Ian's been working at ASDA for nearly about a year now and
works shifts which usually take up most of his time (hours
usually include some hours between 7am-10pm) so I seldom
see him. In fact, the only times I do see him are during
the random Chrisitne stints. And then I can't talk to him
much because he's always in the front with her and I can't
hear anything because of shitty music.

The most human contact I have had with anyone recently is
when Ruth lays her head on my shoulder when she goes on
about something sad. Even if it is a joke, at least its
contact, even slight. Now I'll scare Ruth with this and
she won't do it anymore. Well if its meant to be, it'll
happen. I guess this is the end of the loneliness post for
now. Whilst I was writing this, a whole lot of songs with
lyrics related to teenage angst were on. Typical really.

I've decided not to put so much effort into my hair. I'm just going
to let it dry naturally. I'm sick of all the hair thats all knotted
together whenever I was it. It can fall out naturally from here on
in.




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