2002-06-08 19:32:32 (UTC)

i have acquired quite a taste for a well-made mistake...

i dont think i even wrote last night.. i was really tired..
so.. as expected, claudia came to work like nothing was
wrong and nothing had happened and everything was cool,
just like chaz did the day before... to me, it shows such a
lack of real caring.. i talked to matthew... i knew it was
a bad idea, he has this threshold of control over me,
where hearing his voice for 9 minutes drags me back down
again where i have worked so hard to get away from.. how
bizarre that after weeks of avoidance, the day i think of
him, and call, he says "did you get my email?".. which i
hadnt.. and of course stopped home on the way to the
bookstore, to read.. then, i walked into dennys with
robin.. and ben was there.. that was no good for my plan to
not think about anything, it made it worse, sitting at the
next table to him and his friend, thinking, i really
thought i was in love with him. will someday, i sit at a
table right next to matt, after not seeing him for years,
and hardly even flinch? whats the fucking point of all
this bullshit then? i want to scream.
in my dream, i was seeing tool.. but like, he was there..
and he alternated being him and matthew...
only 1 in 250 girls in america cut. i dont believe that,
but i dont know... because just because things are normal
in my group of friends, doesnt mean they're normal.. not at
i have to go get sebastien.. we're going tanning and to the
mall.. i want to buy groceries and throw all the CRAP out
of the refrigerator here... it makes me sick. im taking
$50 from mom for VEGETABLES and FRUIT and thats ALL! i'll
be back later on.