the life of me
June 7, 2002
school's out. no more school. *sigh* it went by WAY to
fast. can you believe that 9 months have already come and
gone? yikes, i can't. it was weird at the party
yesterday... seeing everyone for probably the last time
till next year. i'll be driving... one year older. that's
hard to believe to. i'm a junior now. an upper classmen.
just like last year... i'll have to get used to screaming a
new name... JUNIORS! lol. 04 stays the same. we always
scream that too. seems like i've grown up a lot this year.
i'm not into the whole having a boyfriend just to say i
have one thing. that was ridiculous. what a waste of time
and emotions. i guess if i were to think of the one
relationship i could've had that would've been healthy was
the one that almost came with russ. it's hard to think
about sometimes. how close i was. if only i'd been myself.
he liked me for who i was. for who i still am. i think i'm
still that person. not as happy, my heart was shattered, so
of course i'm not as happy as i was pre-heartbreak. but i
am the same person... inside. i'm still in love with him
inside. i'm still crying out for him inside. who ever reads
this is gonna think i'm a freak. but i tell the truth to my
journals. my honest to god truth. i'm in love with russy.
and he doesn't even know it. he did... once. and i think
somewhere deep down, he still does... but he doesn't wanna
see it. i don't see him and deanne lasting. i know it's
terrible to anticipate their breakup... but like i said,
the honest to god truth.
anyways, yesterday at the party was fun. i went swimming...
in my new BACKLESS bathing suit. :) can you beleive it?
yea, smurf made me... but i was pretty confident after a
while. we didn't get our hair wet... but we swam. i could
tell russ was surprised to see me in that suit. lol... he
looked at me like... WHAT THE?! i always watch what i wear
around him... ever since he told me that a reason he really
likes deanne is cuz she dresses so modestly. but i dress
modestly... right... just the bathing suit. but the fact
that when he told me this i was wearing a spagetti strapped
shirt and shorts (it was 100 degress outside for cyin out
loud!) i just felt like he was saying it like i didn't...
and it made me feel slutty. HA! yea, me... slutty. i'm like
the most conservative person EVER when it comes to that
kinna stuff. *sigh* i mean, i did go through hell and back
when... never mind... i'm not gonna get into that today. no
way am i opening that can of worms.
so i guess i'd better go. i'll write later. not much to
say. the guys are graduating. i'll miss them so much. :(
but i've gotta let go... it just went by too fast. so
concecration is tonight... then bachaloriet and class night
tomorrow... then commencment on sunday. i'm gonna cry SO
HARD:(. well... ok, leaving now. bye.
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