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2001-06-16 17:45:17 (UTC)

What is he thinking?

So I got another letter from Andy yesterday. I can't
believe that he has been gone for almost 10 months. At
times, it feels like its been years, but yesterday it felt
like he left last week. I'm starting to not miss him as
much which is giving me mixed feelings. I don't like
missing him so much, especially since I don't know how he
really feels. But I feel like I need to keep missing him.
Like its my only hope that something will happen between us

Anyway, his letter was nice, but nothing noteworthy about
it. At least he took the time to send something. The
longer he is gone, the more general his letters are
getting, like he is talking an acquaintance, rather than to
someone that he almost married.

Okay, I'm kidding myself. We didn't almost get married.
We talked about it an awful lot, though. Since I was 16,
I've been convinced that I would marry him. I didn't dwell
on it or anything, but I KNEW that it would happen. Isn't
it funny that as you get older, the things you KNOW aren't
so certain?

I wish that I knew what he was thinking. Does he ever
think about me? I have a feeling that he does, but that
could just be a last shred of hope convincing me that he
still cares for me. I mean, for the year after we broke
up, we hardly saw each other. I even dated someone else
for a while.

Sometimes I wonder if I did the right thing in breaking up
with him. I mean, I know WHY I did. I knew that he would
be leaving for two years and that it would be easier for
both of us if he had a year before to get ready. He needed
a clear mind... a mind where he wasn't thinking about me
night and day. He needed to focus. That was the one thing
that I could give him. But now, as I look back, I think he
could have had a clear mind even with me around. I asked
him before he left if he was over me and he said that he
was focused. I think that was a polite way of
saying, "Yes, Sharon, I am completely over you and will
probably never date you again."

But what about how we said good-bye? I was so certain that
he would just shake my hand or something and be on his
way. But he held me for the longest time while he cried
like a baby. The only other time I had seen him cry was at
our friend's funeral. But he bawled and clung to me and
said over and over, "I will miss you so much!" He even
kissed me on the cheek. He hadn't kissed me since the day
we broke up. It seems like a situation like this would
give anyone reason to think that he still wanted to get
married. I thought so too, but now I'm not so sure. Maybe
he started to get an idea of the loneliness he would be
feeling for the next two years. Maybe he thought that we
weren't ever going to be together again. Maybe thats all
it was... our final good-bye. I wish that I knew.

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