gillian

AfterTheLaughter
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2002-06-07 07:00:38 (UTC)

it's 1:45 a.m.....

and there's a bird outside chirping...i must be losing it.
i hear crickets too...it's a really comforting sound to me.
i adore those lil blackish-brown bugs. lol. we used to come
across those all the time in our old house in ft. worth. my
mom told me it's a sign of good luck. lol, cute.
ugh. this is insane though, i keep thinking there's bugs
crawling on me. it's scary. i keep feeling a bug creeping
across my chest, but when i slap it or scratch, theres
nothing there. same thing goes for my arms, legs,
head/face, neck.....it's insane. i've been like this for a
while. i really must be losing it lol. i'm so paranoid
about these bugs. they're all over me. i'll be almost
asleep, then i feel a bug crawling across my skin and i
flip out and slap at it, thus further postponing any sleep.
maybe there are bugs and they just move before i slap them.
creepy....
anyways, my mom is home. which is good and bad as usual. we
haven't gotten into a fight yet (thankfully). i want to see
how long the peace can last this time. *crosses fingers*

oh yeah, check this out...jay imed me tonight, he said he
felt like an asshole b/c he suggested we get back together
and he "totaly" did not follow through. first off, we DID
get back together. i clearly remember discussing that. and
second, uhh....he is an asshole?? (lame, i know). but i
told him dont get worked up about it and that it's okay
(even though it's made my mood rocket down, way down
sometimes and feel the same ol' feelings of regret, self
hatred, etc). i dunno...it really has hurt me some...but
hey, if i say that it really is okay and not a big deal and
i shouldn't think much of it enough to myself, i will end
up convincing myself.

the big orchestra concert is tomorrow...i'm kinda nervous,
not 'cause i'm afraid i'll mess up, it's because i'm afraid
it won't be up to our director's standards. oi....my cello
fucking rattles when i play on the D or G string loud
enough...that's not good. stupid cheap, insufficiant
rentals...i think i'll end up using my school cello
instead. that one is much nicer.
wish me luck guys....

-gillian


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