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2002-06-07 06:17:13 (UTC)

ive been waking up slowly,savoring the same old dream

yeah.. ive been sleeping a lot..i havent written in here in
3 days.. ive been sleeping and working.. i dont feel so
good tonight. its weird.. the other day i went out with
dawn and christina and ash to the mall... and then we camae
here and got pizza and rented a movie, which was weird cus
i havent been in for awhile.. im really only here to
sleep.. but then gus and i went to talk and get coffee, and
chaz and robin were there, and chaz and i kinda got in a
fight... he was saying how fucked up i am always fucking
people over and im inconsiderate and all this, i wrote
more about it in my little book at work today.. and gus was
like. just ask todd to go for coffee. which is what
claudia said. but i dont know. i did. i was in a real
good mood.. this afternoon.. i got lunch with dawn.. and i
went to work.. and i asked him. and he was like yeah
sure. and something about them meeting up with us
sometime. and i was like. yeah. right. then he was like
what are you doing after work.. when do you get out.. and i
didnt know, if that was like.. i dont know. im over it.
im so irritated with everyone right now. and im like fuck
it. what is the point really. what do i want from him.
what do i expect. nothing. so what am i doing. i dont
want to think about anything cus everything in my life is
so pointless its not going anywhere. im just like fuck
it. i got kinda in a fight with claudia.. i dont even know
why, it was stupid, im just like. you know. tired of
putting forth so much effort, that isnt even recognized,
let alone appreciated, people have no idea, cus im fucked
up and everyones already, got their own things going on,
like, i dont know how to explain how i feel. i thought i
was going to die on the way to gus's after work.. i was
driving around, it was raining really hard and i was
crying, losing it, i was thinking, when i get home, i
should write letters to everyone, in case i die soon.. i
dont know why i feel this way tonight.. nothing really bad
happened.. and who gives a shit, does it really matter in
the end, no.. like matt. i cant even think about that. how
much im not in love with him anymore. im just so fucking
tired.. and everythings so stupid and fucked up and im so

i dont think i am strong enough to do this much longer..
god i wish i was stronger...

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