Claudia Ellen

I'm OK when not OK
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2001-06-16 14:30:46 (UTC)

I love him so much it just turns to hate...

My feelings for Brett are inexplicable, really. I spoke to
him today, and its the same old shit with the same old

I think of myself as being so incredibly with it. So anti-
naive. I think maybe I am wrong there. I am so fickle
with my feelings. And it's so true what they say about
treating 'em mean...

If I feel suffocated or adored...(it may sound hard to
believe, but it happens) I get turned off so quickly, its
like flicking a fucking switch!! I wish I could control the
bitch inside...

Slowly sinking under the weight of a confused heart.

I know Brett is, in a sense, waiting for me. For when I
get back from the other side of the world. But how do
either of us know what will happen in the meantime? I
don't even know how I feel right now, let alone in seven
months time. Do I really love him like I used to? Or do I
just miss our closeness, the way I didn't have to ever
explain myself to him. The way a look, a simple, to some,
inperceptible, look, would tell him all he needed to know.
It was easier. And harder.

And now there's a baby. A reminder of that state I was
in. The depression, the loss. A reminder forever.
Aninnocent little baby who should be wanted.

Ack! I am tired. Eight hours of studying procedural law
has driven me literally mad.


"I want to be the girl with the most cake
I love him so much it just turns to hate..."

Doll Parts - Hole

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