Scenes from a Marriage
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2001-06-16 10:56:59 (UTC)

Saturday, June 16th

I am writing early because I am working a midnight shift on
overtime to earn extra money. Seems we never have enough
money, maybe we just spend too much. If we get SSI on the
foster kids that will help out a lot. The lawyer did not
call today, no one called, I feel so alone with this child
who I don't know what he is going to do next. Sometimes he
just glares at me, like he would rather kill me than be
around me, yet he says he loves it here with us. Poor
child I don't think he knows what he wants. He was telling
us some stories of thinks his "parents" did, his mom
punched him a lot for stupid things like one morning he
washed the dishes before she was up. Then his dad beat him
with a football cleat one night because he thought he put a
hole in the wall, but it was actually his friend. God, how
do you get over all that stuff when you are only 8?

I know that I am having trouble dealing with the things in
my life and I am 31, I am supposed to be able to cope. I
keep dreaming about BAM, how I think that we would be
perfect together. Or Kevin would be a good catch, they are
both older, but I think that is what I need is an older guy
who knows for sure what he wants to do in life and who he
wants to be with. I know some of our marriage problems are
from being so young and not having our own identies, we
have suffered growing pains in our marriage and that has
made things rough. We have had more downs that up it sure

My best girlfriend who is also the babysitter's aunt wants
me to ditch my husband if he is the father of the baby or
not, she says she doesn't want me to waste another year of
my life on him. She has a point, he has had 10 years to
prove his love and commitment to this marriage and what
have I gotten--crapped on. My marriage reads like some
cheap novel---married at 20, baby at 21, physically abused
at 25, cheated on at 27, husband losses job for first time
at 27, husband steals money at 27, husband loses job for
second time at 28, husband has oral sex with a minor at 29,
has sex with her at 29, maybe the father of her baby at
30. I just turned 31 one in April, I think I have had
enough for one lifetime. But, then I think what if I put
up with all this crap and now he is finally going to get it