*My So-Called Life*
2002-06-06 01:07:46 (UTC)


I dont know what to do about anything anymore.. Guys.. you
cant live with them, but you cant live without them.. as
much as I try to deny that.. Its SOOO true.. there is this
guy paul.. he just got out of a relationship.. but i really
care for him.. or atleast i think i do.. but while he was
on a break with his girlfriend.. we were so-called FWB's
(friends with benifits) we were always there when someone
was feeling lonely.. Things got a little tooo out of hand
with that.. I thought i could handle something like that
with him.. but i guess i couldnt.. maybe its because he's
older than me.. maybe because he wanted to keep everything
we did hush hush.. i dont know but something about it didnt
feel right to me.. we did things i didnt expect to do.. and
in some ways i feel like my innocence was stolen from me..
everyone soon found out what we did.. and his girlfriend
ended up breaking up with him.. i dont know what reason she
did it for.. but i dont think it had to do with him and i..
I hurt so many people with what happened that night.. i've
apologized to all of them.. including anthony.. who saw it
happen.. Everyone now is past it.. but Paul and I are still
really close friends.. and he asked me again.. If I wanted
to be FWB's(but still keep it low key)he said he wants it
to be secretive because he doesnt want anyone bugging him
about it..especially since his guy friends like me and he
doesnt want too hurt them.. I still dont know what do say
to him.. I dont want to do anything.. I just want to have
him in my life as something more than a friend.. I've
always been known as a people pleaser.. I have such a
difficult time saying no.. and if he asks me again if i
want to do it.. i dont know if im gonna have the guts to
say no..

The sick thing is that he's asking other girls to do this
with him too.. I really care for him.. and i cant seem to
figure out why.. I have guys that care for me, but yet I
have no feelings for them.. I only have feelings for the
one guy that treats me like shit..

hahaha everyone who is reading this is probably like.. damn
girl get a clue.. how stupid could you possibly be..
...Im wondering the same thing myself...