~E

My Crimes
2002-06-06 00:41:01 (UTC)

something died in me

The day Jake told me to go home after sex someting in me
died. I lost a part of me I had my whole life. Trust. My
mother raised me with trust. It was the one thing about me
that I knew would always be good. I had been hurt by it
but I knew it was importaint for me to keep trusting. Alas
this time the poke at my already open wound was the last
straw. I have lost my trust in everything. I don't even
trust myself. I'm not safe with anyone. I want a human to
comfort me so badly I will lower myself for anything. I
know this isn't safe so I don't trust myself.

I think harley is going to come over today. I'm scared of
this thought. I don't even trust him. I haven't seen him
in quite a few days and well knowing this and knowing how
wonderful he is. It's not safe. I will fall into his lap
and let myself be used just so that for a moment in my day
I will feel importaint. Not safe!

To him I'm someone other then his wife to sleep with. Not
safe. Not healthy. My mind wont see it any other way. He
gets the joy of sleeping with who ever he wants but turns
home to his beloved wife.

I honestly don't think I will ever be anything more then a
person to sleep with...

I took Herrick off my aim list. I don't want to talk to
him ever again.

I met a guy he is 26 not my type. Alas I fear that I will
fake it just to feel like I matter to someone.
My self image is so low I fear I will do anything I can to
feel like I mean something to anyone.
Once again this is not safe.

Jake why did I let you kill me?

Its times like right now that I wish I had someone to run
to rather then sitting on my floor huggin myself.

It's sad really. I can't even comfort myself right now. I
don't even know who I am.

I have become one of those people that need prozac.
this isn't a good thing!
~E




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