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2001-01-02 02:31:36 (UTC)

................you know what..

................you know what if i wasnt born.....i mean if
i hadnt been alive in this so called earth what would of
changed? hmmmmmm it's only a question but who really knows.
you know i have so many friends.and i have always been
there for them. see the thing with me is that i would
rather help others then myself. seeing my friends happy
makes me happy . to at least know that i can do something
right.it may sound weird but hey oh well. you know
sometimes i really do wonder if i wasnt born .personlly i
think it would be a bad thing. maybe some others disagree
but hey thats what i think.the one thing i tell all my
friends is that i will always be here. not matter what.
and i have always kept that promise.i mean even though they
may not do the same for me. thats just the way i am. i
guess i have always been like that. you always see a smile
on my face though. i could be going through so much shit
but you would never know it by looking at me. i guess i
would cover it up. i mean sometimes even if someone asked
if i was alright.i may or may not tell them the truth you
know if something was bothering me.i really dont want my
friends worrying about me . i worry more about them then
myself sometimes. well most of the time. i tend to do that.
"i may have a tear in my eye, but a smile is all you will
see" thats one my own quotes i like to say to myself cause
it's true. you could even ask some people. i dont know why
really i always have a smile. i guess because ........hm i
dont know i guess it's just some thing that i
do.............................yo uknow i really dont think
that much of myself. i mean i am nothing special i am who i
am. i ask people you know if they could pick one word to
describe themselfs. thats kinda a hard thing to do.i mean
if you really think about it.well for me the answer would
be"jenny" cause thats who i am.you know i have been through
alot of pain. and i have alot of memories. good and bad.
right now the bad ones are haunting me.i guess thats why
they are memories they stay in your mind when you think
they are not they are in the back of your head. thats one
bad thing about them. they will always be there . but you
will never want to forget the good ones.you will take some
memories to your heart. i have alot of those. one involing
my friend a.j....another friend anne. they have always been
there. always. i mean if i didnt have them who knows if i
would even be here right now.i have tried to kill
myself.......i mean alot of stuff. and they have been there.
they are true friends. they will never reallyknow how much
they have helped me..
you know i remember back actually i couple days ago.i was
just full of tears......i felt like i was nothing and would
be anything. i was very confused. i had no one to run to at
the time. i was alone. so i got down on my kness and i
asked god" why" i had so many questions yet no answers.you
know the only thing that kept going through my mind was how
come i had so many questions yo uknow i was so lost. i even
went to god. and i never got an answer. i never did. the
only one i had left to run to and i didnt get that. i mean
i felt so alone. like i had no arms to run to. no one to
love......just no one. and nothing.for a whle my heart was
hurt. for once i wasnt smiling. that is a sad memory but i
will never for get it.........

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