The Outside of Never
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2001-06-15 03:38:52 (UTC)


I was sitting here just thinking about the questions
everyone is asking...Why? And I think I do understand.
I Grew up too fast. Real Fast. A stepfather who was a
Jekyl/and Hyde type Character. A strong yet very
emotionally detached mother. A weak yet ever present
influential Father. A sister..Who I can never even hope to
understand. And A little Brother who is killing me by not
living up to the dream I saw when he was born..to me..Still
a baby. And Now I Am in Love with a man who is 7 years
younger than my 26 years.What do all these things have in
Common. They are completely unobtainable! Or at least so
they seem. Chakeen is the guy who I Always dreamed about in
Highschool. Very Handsome, Funny, Protective, and always
there. A Man at heart but a Thug to the Core. Funny thing is
in High school..Guys were always aftr me. But I was
completely UNOBTAINABLE! Why? Because I never trusted
anyone or anything. People that THINK they know me now
could not possibly guess that I was A virgin until I became
engaged. I absolutely forbid sex until I was at Least
promised Marriage. And at 16 I was. An engagement I broke
off after 4 years realizing my only reason for marriage was
escape and I loved him enough to allow him the freedom to
be really loved. Why Do I want to get married now? Well I
guess it's simply because for the first time in my life..I
am finally able to say that I love someone that I truly
love for unselfish reasons. This Man I'd give my life for.
And I am in so much unnecessary Pain because NO ONE BELIEVE
THAT! Does anyone have any idea how that feels? To own
something so rare and Precious just to have people say: You
cannot love him..cannot in the sense that the feeling
itself is not possible ...and cannot in the sense that They
will never accept it. For me I don't care. But What pains
me is what that takes away from him. He deserves to be
loved this much. And Yet....For Now..It's also UNOBTAINABLE!

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