MaryKay

Trying to Stay Motivated
2002-06-03 23:48:06 (UTC)

Welcome to my diary

Hi to everyone who excepted my invitation. Warning-I got a
very sweet message from a 16 year old...I definately WANT
to live...now the things I'll be writing about pertain to
me, an almost 40 year old...alot of times I'm unmotivated
because so many things I have "been there-done
that"...after 40 long hard years I am tired....I wish I had
the excitement and enthusiasm of a 16 year old...so to
anyone under the age of 18 read what I write, but take it
with a grain of salt...meaning...somethings ya might not
really understand but I am open to any suggestions from
anyone...

okay...so what did I do today...WORRY...

I'm a mom of 5 and I've been having a terrible time getting
past worrying...I had many things to do today and I did
nearly nothing.

here is what recently happened to me...its
unbelieveable....I have a 15 year old son, I love very
much. He's a super smart kid...but he's one of those kids
he's so smart he's dumb...well last year...LONG STORY
AHEAD...I smacked him...he was on the verge of messing up
in boarding school, came home from school, did somethings
he shouldn't have and I smacked him...well Mr.-Smartie-
Pants went to the police...I was arrested and charged with
simple assault...I'm on probation...I didn't get any child
abuse charges and I admitted I hit him, so hence I was
convicted...

Two years later, my son gets kicked out of the same school,
lost his scholarship, comes home, we get in an argument
about laundry, he wants to run away, but I refused to give
him his clean jacket (heck it was part of the laundry he
refused to fold)..so again Mr.-Smartie-pants goes and flags
down the cops...our arguemnt was a violation of my
probation and I got locked up for 30 days.

Now my son lives with my mom, he's sad...all the other kids
are here with me, I'm messed up financially (from being
unable to work for 30 days) and I can't let go of the anger
I feel...

so that is one of the issues I'm dealing with...anger has
stiffled me...everyday I mope around and do nothing...no
looking for a job...no paying bills....I smoke cigarettes
and sit around angry....




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