Sarahbellum

diary

I still have my diary from the fifth grade. I haven't
filled up many pages, and I like to reread what mattered so
much years ago and laugh. Laugh at the stupid childish
emotions that ate at my heart for so many years. I guess in
eight years I can read what I started writing lately and
laugh some more. I think if i were to write down all the
thoughts that are chasing each other through my head at this
very moment my fingers would refuse to write anymore, and
the diary would practically be full. I want to write as
much as I can because I know I will lay it down again, and
forget about it for at least a year. I am merely giving my
hands a break from writing. Typing is so much easier. I
think my best friend is slipping out of the best friend
slot. She's been slipping for a long time, but it is hard
to let her go. We used to talk about everything, talk for
hours, do things together. Now she doesn't even want me to
come over to her house. I called today and told her I'd be
in the area and asked if i could drop off something I have
that belongs to her, and all she said is i'll get it
later...bye. I was like...uh bye. I called her later and
asked if she was mad at me and she said no. I said, "you
haven't been talking to me lately," and she said, "sorry you
were gone, and then i was working" She doesn't work 24/7.
And lately hasn't been the last few days. Lately has been a
long time now. It feels as though we aren't close anymore,
and some of the things i have done and the secrets i have
shared have pushed us further away. I don't guess you can
really trust someone to stay by your side forever. I
thought that if a relationship was strong enough than it
could survive anything. I thought the friends I grew up
with would be friends forever, but I moved away, and they
moved on without me. They closed up, and filled up any
position I once had. I feel so alone now. Everything I do,
it is just for me. No one else can really matter, because
everyone else is out for themselves. If it is no longer
benefitial to be my friend, then I shall have no friends. I
should quit loving, and caring, and needing. It hurts. I
have given so many a piece of me that I sometimes feel
empty, like there is no more good in me, like there is only
the bad stuff that no one wants to see. The bad stuff that
eats away at what's left, and you want to show someone to
make it easier to bare, but they runaway and the bad stuff
grows, until you are drowning. I hate that feeling. The
feeling like I am being sucked under to wallow in all the
regrets in life, and that there is no one out there that is
strong enough to pull me back in. I need to find a cave
where I can sit alone and let my thoughts eat away at one
another, and I can finally know peace. I need to find a
river that I can drift away on, a clear blue river, unlike
the black murky debths in which i swirl, forever
sinking....I need to begin life anew, I need to purge the
pain.