Meshed Up
2002-06-03 15:33:05 (UTC)


i have a cyst on the middle finger of my left hand. the
doctor burnt it away with liquid nitrogen (i think...) and
it hurt.

'are you ready?' he asked me before he pointed the spray
containing liquid nitrogen at my finger.

i nodded. at least i wasn't getting an injection. he said
he could either inject it, or burn it away by spraying
liquid nitrogen. i hate needles.

the first touch of the acid felt cool against my finger.
seconds ticked by and i began to feel it biting against my
skin. it seeped through me, onto my blood, and i looked at
the spray as it covered the cyst with whiteness. i gripped
the edge of my seat and closed my eyes. it was painful. and
yet it was cool. it felt nice.

someone once said that i am a sadist because i told him how
i get rid of the ulcers i get every now and then in my
mouth. he gurgles with salt water. i grab rock salt and
place it directly on the ulcer. the pain rushes through me,
shakes me, gives me goosebumps, brings tears to my eyes,
but i love it. i can't imagine getting rid of ulcers in any
other way.

i don't know why but sometimes i do like pain...physical
pain. it reminds me of my mortality. makes me feel alive.

the 3rd day of winter. i love the cold.

i want a tattoo but i am scared of needles. guess i won't
be getting my tattoo. i'm such a wuss.

i don't know if i prefer knives to needles or needles to
knives. needles scare the hell out of me. knives give me

i don't know how long it will take for the cyst to go away.
the pain has subsided...but it still feels tender. i yelp
whenever it's squeezed or touched. at least it's not
cancerous (not that i thought it was). i would hate it if i
had to give up my middle finger. of all the fingers, the
middle finger is one of my favorites.

physical pain is easier to deal with than emotional pain.
perhaps that's why i used to hurt myself. i don't do that
anymore though. i go to the park instead.

i found the most beautiful dead leaf this afternoon. it was
long, thin, and perfectly symmetrical. i held it with my
thumb and forefinger, twirled it and twirled it and twirled
it, watching the brighter front side morph into the dull
backside and into the bright side again. the grass was
soft, the sky was getting dark, fading into dark orange and

i felt like a kid again, swinging as high as i can on a
swing, closing my eyes on the way down, and sometimes
opening them and staring straight at the sky as i flew back
and forth. i heard the wind...i felt free.

'how's life?' he asked. life life life. life is
beautiful...just as many things are beautiful.