CowieB

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2001-06-14 23:11:26 (UTC)

The Ending of My Own Hell...

Well, school is ending. And well, Spanish is ending. I'm
happy. =0) You don't know how happy I am to leave there
and never go back. Today, I couldn't take it. I couldn't
sink inside. I just couldn't do it anymore. No matter how
many times I said I was alright. I wasn't alright. I
couldn't escape the bad clouds. Today, I broke out. I
lashed out. I feel so guilty now. A while agao, I was
talking to one of my old teachers, Mr. Brown. He said that
he was talking to another teacher about how no one ever
focuses on the good apples, only the bad ones. He said I
was a good apple. I'm not a good apple. I'm a bad apple.
So today I was mean. I was snotty and just being a jack
ass (excuse the language, but it reflects just how I was).
I was rude and just bad. Whatever he said I shot back
something. When we speak English, we have to pay a dollar
and well, everyone was speaking English today. I said
something mean and then he said I owed a dollar. I threw
back, "I don't care. There's two dollars." I was horrible
today. I feel so bad. So guilty. I have never been
intentionally mean. Sure I have been mean, but never on
purpose. This was plan revenge. At the end of class I
told him, "There...No you know what it's like to have
snotty remarks shot at you." I left. I feel so bad. Just
really bad. I feel worse than I did before. I can't
believe I did that. It's almost over. It doesn't matter.
It's all going away. I never have to deal with it again.
If that's true why do I feel so bad. I just hope that he
didn't see the mean acts, but the point that I was making.
Sometimes you don't want to have sarcastic remarks. It's
not always funny. Sometimes it just makes you feel
worse. I don't know. I have no answers, just guilt. I
suck. Don't even know why the HELL people hurt me like
this when they shouldn't even matter. Can you tell me?
What justifies being mean? I don't know. There isn't any
justification for what I did, how I acted. Why did I do
it? Once I left I felt the guilt. Shit. I can't even do
anything without feeling bad about hurting other people.
And yet, I am so much more willing to let other people hurt
me. They don't care. Once in Spanish class we were
talking about bad words and someone stated, "It's not
personal, just a release of emotion." Well, when those
emotions are released they effect other people. They touch
other people. Whether or not a person thinks it's
personal, people take it personally. I don't understand
people. I'm so confused. I feel so bad. I feel like
there is a million pound weight on my chest. I'm not using
a hyperbole either. Well, till next time.


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