A Butterfly In Snow
2001-06-14 21:51:49 (UTC)

well then...i guess this is where i begin.

strange this place - i mean showing the world just how
much of an exhibitionist you are anonymously.

i suppose that one would write an online diary because
somehow they're hoping to have someone read their
thoughts or feelings.

so why not me too.

ok. so here i am. i exist because you are reading this.

it's funny, because i've just spent the last few weeks
trying very hard to not exist in my world.

you know how sometimes you haven't talked for so long
to anyone, that speaking out loud is suddenly difficult?
or when you haven't gone out for while, you lose a bit of
that social etiquette, you feel awkward, unsure how to
'act' in certain situations, and it's a struggle to have a

it seems i am falling into that pit, albeit self-imposed,
but falling all the same.

gee, there must be thousands of us out there -
displaying our most depressing thoughts for everyone
to see. and look - i'm no better. yes it's quite pathetic,
however on the flip side most are also saying: "f**k it,
it's up to you if you wanna hear me, so why should i
care?" there are too many voices out there, screaming
to be heard - so what's the harm in joining in?

i'll be just as unheard here as i am in the outside world,
except in here, i'll actually try to say something.
something about myself, about how i'm doing. stuff that
even the closest people to me can't bear to hear.

and so, i thank you, who might eventually read this -
because it's you that will take on a burden that i can no
longer impose on those around me in the physical
world. it's you who will ultimately make me feel like i