life is just a poker game
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2002-06-03 03:23:40 (UTC)

i feel it again

i feel it again. the dark crevices of my mind are calling
to the demons of depression, wanting to entrap me yet again
in their endless cycles of laziness and self-deprication.
quite frankly, i've decided that i need to grow some balls -
not nececssarily with my opinions or ideas (i have
plenty) - but rather with my actions. i need to kick that
little bitch laziness back into her corner. i can't live my
life like this.

and sometimes i think it's easier just to numb myself to
the world - to create myself anew, devoid of emotion. i did
that for a while, with mind-altering substances. it was in
fact easier, but a little disconcerting to know that the
only reason i felt secure was because i was taking
something to make me feel that way...(and, yes, becacuse i
felt validated by my peers...thanks pedro the lion, for a
great line).

maybe a little bit of that is because i have been trying to
create myself anew, full of emotion after years of
rejecting anything associated with feeling, and i'm not
really sure where to go from here.