Thoughts from Blue Angel
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2001-06-14 19:18:34 (UTC)

The Only Thing Between a Caterpillar and a Butterfly

Being the psychology lover that I am, I've taken a
hundred personality tests in my life, and most of them have
some way of testing your introvert-extrovert tendencies. I
always end up right in the middle. I love people, and I'm
quite outgoing. I love to go to parties with my friends,
and the feeling of being surrounded by my friends is one of
the best in the world. However, too many people and too
much noise make me jumpy and nervous. I've gotta have my
time alone to think and to write.

I get a lot more accomplished when I'm by myself. This
has definitely been the case lately. There's no way I
could be sticking to something this well for this long if I
weren't alone most of the time. The summer is so perfect
for getting myself back together, because I have so much
time to myself.

I used to dream about the things I could do if I spent a
year in my own little world with all the resources I could
possibly need. I would lose weight, get really fit, work
on my talents, read up on everything I've ever wondered about... It
always made me sad when I realized that such a thing could never
happen. This summer has been sort of like that though. Of course, I
still have to work, I still live with Mom and my sister, and I still
hang out with my friends sometimes. But I've spent a large part of
my time alone so far.

I haven't been out with friends in forever. I've only spent a few
days with one friend at a time. I don't spend much time chatting on
ICQ. I usually just sit in away mode while I write here or work on
my food diary or exercise log. I work out in the back room and take
bike rides, especially when no one else is home. I read and spend
time just staring at the ceiling, thinking about things. It is so
refreshing to me. I feel like I've really gotten to know myself
again. I've collected my thoughts nicely, and I'm gaining strength.

Some might think that I'm withdrawing and that it's not healthy,
but I don't see it that way. It's by far some of the best time spent
in my life. See, I'm in my cacoon now- all by myself with little
contact to the outside world. But I'm protected in a very critical
time in my life. I'm changing, and it's something that I have to do
on my own. Once this fall rolls around, I'll be ready to come out
for a fresh start and a new life. Hopefully, by then, I'll be
able to spread my beautiful wings and fly away....