Wo ist Amanda?
2002-06-02 21:09:40 (UTC)

Bored as hell...

Hey, I have another poem to share:
Alone in total darkness
I'd always feel afraid
But refused to look around me
At the walls that I had made

I'd closed out all the sunshine
And trapped in all the hate
Yet, deeper down I knew
What soon would be my fate

Creating this world of lonliness
Filled my heart with tears
But nothing could overcome
Those hellish, painful fears

In blocking out reality
I never got the chance
To feel and know the good things
Like happiness, peace, even romance

But a single soul has changed that
He broke through all the stone
He slashed the thorns and demons
And carried my weak body home

To a place full of love and acceptance
Excitement, warmth, and surprise
But I knew I had to understand
That good things come at a price

I'm not protected from judgement
Critisizm, rejection, or pain
But the contentment I can finally experience
Will forever take away my rain...

Yeah...I obviosly wrote that when I fell in love with
Erick. I still miss him, and this poem isn't a lie...but I
keep finding myself building that same familiar wall around
myself everytime someone or something hurts me. I so badly
want to just never have to hurt again, but I know I can't
do that by shutting myself away from the world. The world
is so pain-filled. Sometimes, it comforts me to
know that there are some people out there who care....or at
least pretend to. I'm so grateful to people like Jennifer,
Chris, and my friends here at home(you all know who you
are!)....cause everytime they are there for me when I need
them, it's just that much more faith I have in the world.
I feel love for those people, I'll always be here for them,
even if they decide to ditch me. Is that wrong? Is it
wrong to be there for someone who doesn't give a shit about
you? I had a friend named Gina, and all this shit happened
between us. And despite the way she treated me, I was still
always to forgive and forget...I was always there for her,
no matter what.(like I am for Erick, even through all this
shit he's done to me and all the lies he's told me) Now
she wants to be my friend again. Of course I said
yes...but it hurts me so much. I mean, not to sound me-me-
me, but don't I deserve just a little something back in
return for all the times I went out of my way and bent over
backwards for someone else? For all the times I put myself
second to someone who needs me at the moment...I dunno.
Anyways, I got this little saying in my email, and I wanted
to add it to my list of sayings to live by:
1. Work like you don't need the money, love like you've
never been hurt, and dance like no one is watching.
2.What doesn't kill us makes us stronger.
3.Every cloud has it's gold lining.
and my personal favorite...
4.Fuck it!!!

Well, bye!

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