Visions Of Life
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2002-06-02 18:21:42 (UTC)

And I Returh With My Battered Flag...


Okay. I chickened out. I lay drunk with my blade in hand.
Made a couple of tiny cuts. And I might have passed out or
fell asleep or whatever but like 8 hour later i rise. Anger
is gone and without anger or heavy emotion, i can not kill
myself. I supposes thats a good thing. The urge is still
there but I do not dare lay a blades to my flesh or i will
get the shit beaten out of me...

So I watched a movie with one friend, then another. Came
home. He was worried cuz cops were by our building and he
thought that maybe i did something stupid. Little did he
know i almost did. I drank too much yesterday, I admit it
and i promiced i wouldnt drink that much alone ever again.
The thought crossed his mind that in my anger and/or
alcohol related state, i might have fucked another guy. I
could never do that(with exception to Terrell Davis, The
entire band of Def Leppard, any Seatle Seahawks player,
Trent Reznor, and this guy Jeremy we know and Ive fucked.
That guy is a god) So anyways.. we argue again at some
point, i start drinking again, grab a razor, he sees that
abnd sees my slashes and, well... after what happened next,
i cant and wont ever do it again. I cant. So all is pretty
good. Im still so stressed. Im a bit suicidal but i dont
dare even try to hurt myself.. Im too scared.. I need to
find a job and just spend every paycheck paying off my
debt.. It will take awhile. I said something pretty close
to " i want to be with you forever" I want to spend the
rest of my life with him but dont know how to tell him. We
agreed on the, we dont want to marry eachother thing.. The
thing is I kinda want to be engaged.. just not marry for
like 6-10 years.. but again, i think the engagement thing
is more about getting a ring, being proposed to and all
that special moment bullshit. id like to say im engaged, id
like to plan a wedding(mainly cuz ive been involved in too
many conservative weddings lately and want something wild
and weird.. lol) but the actual marriage thing doesnt
matter much to me. a marriage certificate isnt going to
make me love him any more. just like a ring doesnt mean he
will love me more. i think i just want a diamond... lol..
but i do want to spend the rest of my life with him,
regardless if we ever get married.. but anyways, the
darkness has faded a lil bit. i cant think of him and
remain in darkness. i just have to remind myself that even
if the rest of my life sucks and seems hopeless, i am with
a guy who loves me no matter what and wants to be with me
for a long lonmg time. we need eachother.. i know i talk
shit when im upset but ive never doubted my love for him or
his love for me. a fight cant kill that. once both of us
arent so majorly stressed, things will be better.

ignore my previous post. im here, im alive and will be for
a long long long time (she says as the lightning bolt comes
from the sky *grin*)

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