Thanatos Totem

Thanatos Totem
2002-06-02 16:33:46 (UTC)

If one sticks too rigidly to one's principles, one would hardly see anybody. - Agatha Christie

I consider myself a Christian. I'm not baptized though, but
still a believer.
It says in the Bible: 'Baptism, which corresponds to this,
now saves you (not the removal of the filth of the flesh,
but the pledge of a good conscience toward God) through the
resurrection of Jesus Christ.' 1Pe3:21.
I just cannot see it is now more a binding between God and
me than a binding between a certain church and me: -Then
with what baptism were you baptized? - he asked them. -
With John's baptism, - they replied.' Acts 19:3
With the Mormons' baptism, I replied, 'with the State's
Church baptism, with the Pentecostals' baptism, the Jehova
Witness'...'
When I graduated I decided to become a teacher of religion.
I started studying theology. What I did not know was that
in Berlin such teachers are empoyed by the church, not the
state, and not just any church, but the State's church. I
refused to become a member of any community they told me
was appropriate and decided to dedicate my life to the
sterile and self-destructive sound of technology.
Up to a couple of weeks ago I still had a job. I used to
work for the Verein Junger Humanisten, supporting children
to have their initiation into the adults' world. If
tolerance is not to be found among the church, I thought
maybe it can be found outside of it. After five years of
work I was told to put off a crucifix I have been wearing
for three years each day. It was a present given to me in
times of pain from the deepest person I was allowed to
meet. They told one doesn't need symbols to hold on to,
turning their marriage ring to and fro while talking to me.
If they'd organize a single party, not a youth initiation,
they'd for sure refuse to wrap their ringfinger up in
cleanex as if symbol-dependency was a fault.
My mom doesn't understand my quitting the job. She is
afraid of my future, as I will mess up all my chances. She
had been the same but doesn't recognize. Maybe she sees my
grandfather in me, who she had been ashamed for so much.
My granny finds my belief a meaningless appendage anyway,
too extreme and too unusual to be tolerated. I feel
injustly in injustice. Only dead fishes swim with the river.

But it makes me wonder about my priniciples, my ideology as
my doctor calls it. I strongly detest parties, any kind of
alcohol, cigarrettes, drugs, sex, meat, adult entertainment
and rollercoasters. I avoid wearing colorful clothes. It
goes so far that I am having problems breathing during
orchestra rehearsal. I know a quarter of the people present
have joints occasionally and I am frightened to get
penetrated by their poison if I allow myself to take
anything from their world, including air. I cannot hug
people anymore who I know have sex, I puke if I happen to
find a piece of meat in my dinner and I try to
inconspiciously leave when I see someone having a glass of
wine. And what is that all for? What is the purpose of
taboos in my life?
Some say a taboo is there to prohibit what individuals
really desire. I have another explanation, just a theory
for what it is needed by me. Having a strong inclination to
identify with people I constantly feel myself in danger to
be swept over without my own explicite wish. It is hard to
pull a line between what is still legitimate and what would
prostitute me, so I refuse all of it. I see it is unfair to
reduce a person's personality and complexity in values
outside of these allegiances to possibly just one thing,
but I cannot help myself until I have learnt to face my
surroundings weaponed with another shield of protection for
my personality than retirement and refusal. In fact I am
the most intolerant person I know. It takes a lot of energy
to evade and I am truly sorry for the pain it causes in
people who love me.




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