Christine

Visions Of Life
2002-06-01 18:34:10 (UTC)

The Time Has Come....

6-1-02
11:20

The last chance i get to see him and i ruined it. We fought
and now his last memory of me is going to be of me telling
him he makes me miserable. I hate myseslf so much. I cant
even say goodbye properly. It gets all fucked up just like
everything else in my life. Even if i didnt have to die, i
ruined the one thing that made me happy so i have nothing
else to live for. I love him and i dont know why it isnt
enough. I dont know why i always fuck things up. He made me
happier then ive ever been and all i did was make him
miserable. i wanted to spend the rest of my life with him
and he finally said he wanted to be with me forever. And
what do i do? Tell him i hate him and that i wished i never
would have met him. In a sence the second part is true. If
i wouldnt have met him back in 98, i would have never known
what love was, i wouldnt know this much pain when it ends
and i wouldnt be plagued by guilt. I dont want to die. i
really dont but my whole life is fucked up and im to blame.
all i wanted was to make others happy and i failed. i cant
find a job and despite popular belief i have been trying. i
cant make my family proud of me. i cant keep the love of my
life happy. i cant do anything but fail. i cant fight this
anger. its taken hold of me. i must end things. i have
nothing left to live for. Now im torn. I want him to know
how much i love him but writing it out and having him read
it after im dead is mean. Everytime i stop and think i
should reconsider, i see my future and its hopeless. I
mean, even if everything else was okay, im still in debt
and more hospital bills are coming and more bills in
general so even if i lived, i would never get ahead. I
wonder if anyone will come to my funeral. i have like 2
friends so i doubt it. One thing tho for all those who read
this and dont know me. im not dying over a guy. thats
stupid. im dying because everything is so hopeless and i
need to die so i can quit hurting. Im off to buy a blade..