Christine

Visions Of Life
2002-06-01 11:03:50 (UTC)

I Cant Win

5am

I hate being accused of lying. I hate fighting. i hate
life. I need this anger to continue. I need to remain this
upset so i wont chicken out this time. I wonder how much a
blade costs... Im so excited. I wont have to deal with any
of this bullshit ever again. I need to keep thinking about
all the positive things because if i think of those i love,
ill back down. that sounds selfish and is but i cannot live
another fucking day. im sorry if i will hurt those i love
but i make them miserable anyway so its not that big of a
deal. i dont even know if ill bother with the goodbye
letters or suicide note. if anyone wants to know how i feel
they can read my journal. maybe ill write a note and bleed
all over ir. im thrilled. im also pissed. i want to break
something or hurt someone. i cant hurt myself till i have a
blade so something else needs to die... id break my tequila
bottle but i need the tequila.. decisions decisions... i
can wait a few more hours... ill be more angry and more
upset, lose control and hurt myself so bad. fatally. yay!