Visions Of Life
2002-06-01 07:50:35 (UTC)

Fatherly Role Reversal


Wow.. its June.. Twenty more days until my birthday. Yay...
I drank a glass and a half of some good wine and I have a
headache and cant walk and have the hiccups. I dont feel
well at all tho its probally not cuz of the wine... In the
words of the current book Im reading, People Of The Earth..
I am but Im not. Im tired but Im not. Im depressesd and Im
not. Im happy but Im not. Im confused and I see clearly.. I
am but Im not..

I dont know whats with me. He thinks Im upset with him. I
am but Im not. I was, then I was happy but didnt forget the
reason for my upsetness, but now Im too upset over
everything in my entire life to just be upset over one
particular thing. They all blend together and I find myself
curled in a ball crying because I cant handle one god damn
fucking thing. I can barely handle crawling out of bed, let
alone try to handle a relationship. I can barely handle
moving let alone try to handle forcing a smile. I cant do
it. I dont know if ive ever felt this horrible and i have a
legitimate reason to feel like this. I know Im a failure
and I know i cant better my life and yet I know that if i
think this, all hope will be lost because i have to think
positive for positive things to happen.

For some odd reason, while curling up with my icepack
tonight, I was thinking about fatherly roles. My dad has
never held the role of the father in my life. For a long
time, my grandfather was the fatherly figure in my life. He
taught me to fish, taught me to ride a bike, wrestled with
me, attempted to teach me to drive (eek) and disciplined me
when my mom couldnt handle it. Then Allen came along. We
talked about sex, life, anything and everything. He advised
me, helped me with my homework and school projects, he's
been there through my crisises, he's been there for
everything important and most of all he's loved me
unconditionally, even tho he doesnt have to.

Whenever my dad is around, everything gets fucked up. I get
torn between obligation and whats in my heart. I want to
tell my dad to fuck off and leave me alone and to get the
hell out of my life because all he does is fuck everything
up. Then part of me says he's my real dad so i am obligated
to love him and see him. Fathers day is coming up. I want
to celebrate it with Allen, not my father. Allen is my real
dad and has been a better father to me in 5 years then my
dad ever has been. Allen actually loves me and my dad
doesnt know what love is. Id give my life for Allen but I
dont think I would for my dad. I know thats horrible but I
cant say with a clear concience that Id die for him, which
is really horrible considering id die for a stranger... I
cant recall a single happy moment with my dad. Sure, we
have fun in Europe or Disneyland but it was the place, not
the company. With my stepdad and grandfather, i can think
of lots of happy moments, even if we werent doing anything.
I feel so guilty about how I feel and so mixed up. I see my
dad and resent him for everything and at the same time I
want him to know me and want to spend time with him, even
tho our time together is frusterating because he is so fake
and lies constantly and doesnt look me in the eye. Our
conversations are usually about sports, the weather or my
animals. We cant talk about anything else. A weird feeling
i get is jealousy towards my older brother. My dad takes
him places and spends time with him and they are close and
Im the outsider when all three of us are together. Of
course i used to be so close with my brother until he moved
to california with my dad. After that he changed and he is
as distant as my father but at least my faher calls me
every once in awhile. My brother says he will call and
never does and never returns my calls or answers his phone.
I hate him for abandoning me and making it seem like it was
my fault. I hate my dad for abandoning me and then having
the nerve, on my graduation day to blame it all on my mom.
I hate him for lying to me over and over. I hate him for
not paying my mom child support when we needed the money
desperatly and were stuck eating 25 cent boxes of macaroni
and cheese while he spent time with strippers in europe,
living in 5 star hotels. I hate him for vanishing on me
numerous times throughout my childhood and I hate him for
coming back and acting like everything was fine. I hate him
for taking my brother away from me. I hate him for trying
to buy my love. I hate him for never hugging me, never
tucking me in, never helping me with homework, never seeing
a school play, for leaving my brother alone to be a
parental figure while he was out fucking twenty year olds.
I hate him for taking away my brother, for robbing both of
us of a brother sister relationship, for robbing me of
inniocence. I hate him because at a young age I knew
abandonment, fear, pain, and that people are not all good
and you cant trust anyone, even your own father. A child
shouldnt have to think such things. A child shouldnt have
to wonder if her dad is gone for good or if one day he will
mysteriously appear. I hate him for never being my father
but being someone i was obligated to call my dad and
obligated to love. I hate him and hate myself for hating
him and not being able to let twenty years of pain go.

Anyways... I feel drained...

Im going to bed now...