camicazy

Meshed Up
2002-06-01 06:34:32 (UTC)

shweepy-shad

i don't know what or how i feel about my parents. lately,
they seem like good people when they talk to me. caring,
loving...how parents are supposed to be. but then i think
about how other people view my parents, and how i used to
share that view with them. my parents are not perfect i
know, but most of the things they do are completely out of
line. and to think they are 'mature christians'. it saddens
me.

i am far from perfect. i don't like going around claiming
that i'm a perfect christian, that you should do this or
that. i don't want to be the i'm-holier-than-you type of
person. but...i can't help but see the flaws of my parents.
they are...everywhere.

i keep thinking about the emperor in the movie 'the
gladiator'. he was an evil man but he was very good to his
nephew. in the eyes of the nephew, the emperor was a very
good person. kind, loving, caring, et cetera. but in
reality, he was ruthless and coldhearted. he killed people
without even blinking. what if i am the nephew and the
emperor are my parents?

i don't know what to think. i do love my parents. it's just
that i don't think they are good people and i don't know
what to think of them.

sometimes i feel that i won't even cry if they die. perhaps
i might feel grief, but i might feel relief as well. as if
a chain that binds me to them and them to me has been
broken and i am finally free. when you let go, you feel
happy and yet sad because you are finally saying goodbye to
something that you have held onto for so long.

coming here was an attempt to escape...but even here i am
haunted by them.

i'm turning 18 in 29 days. i have been alive for almost 18
years and i have nothing to show for it.

.-.-.

sometimes you need people to tell you how to act and what
to think. i mean, whether we admit it or not, we need
people to guide us and help us live life. but then
sometimes, these people get on our nerves.

a friend of mine told me off this morning. he is very
straight and he does have a point. it is unacceptable. i
guess i do need to be shook and woken up. well i think i
have. i'm crazy for allowing this to happen.

dear god...wherever you are, you're the only person i know
who has the answers to my questions. my future feels
uncertain, my past feels as if it will haunt me for the
rest of my days.

.-.-.

somehow, i feel as if i don't wanna continue living
anymore. nothing major has happened, it's just that my mind
is in a mess and my heart is turned over. thinking about
how things are makes me sigh in frustration and
resignation.

if i die today and face god, what will i say to him? i have
done nothing for him. i'm sorry. i'm so sorry.

i don't wanna be used ever again. i'm going to take a nap.
i feel so tired. i need to move away from reality...even
just for an hour or two.



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