Shot

Dirty Fractyl
2002-06-01 02:18:49 (UTC)

My teenage poetry (1995), installment I

These were written on the dates that preceed them. Only
punctuation & spelling has been altered (I used to refrain
from using it). Quite evident, even those that later
become published poets as I have, still show the flints
of "bad teenage poetry" at one time or another!...


Tuesday, 25th of July, 1995

I'm so confused but not sure why,
so confused that I might cry.
Just when you think you're getting by,
your life becomes a blatent lie.
You see those problems--
in the corner of your eye,
that is where they always hide--
deep on the inside.
(It makes you think of suicide)
Did I say I was secure?
Sorry, I lied.


Friday, 28th of July, 1995

Life/Love is a delusion, illusion,
Bringing on confusion.
I'm sure you've seen that star,
So near, yet still afar.
You feel it; you want it--
Reaching with ease & ready to seize,
Forgetting all great things are merely a tease.

All of the dreams were once a nightmare;
turning your back when you claim you don't care.
Yet a dream lingers closer and closer & down to your eyes,
The happiness escapes, yet it is all in cries.
The dream became reality, and then, it dies--
Again a mere illusion.


Tuesday, 8th of August, 1995

My life is a circle which slowly goes round,
It will always rotate till my heart goes sound,
So all of the things that have happened to me
All will come back around if they are meant to be.
Don't think that my heart has fallen apart,
Because my circle's rotation has barely just start [sic],
So I don't feel bad and I don't feel wrong,
Because my circle won't rotate that long.
I do not know when the rotations will end
So I do the best with each day I can.


COMMENTS:

10 August, 1995

Silence can be a great remark.

Heat, light, and shadow do not actually exist but are
rather mere results of movement.

16 August, 1995

Silence is said to be gray
Gray is shadow
Shadow is from light
Light is life
Life is beautiful
And so is gray


6 September, 1995

Got lost today.

Somewhere to here along the way, I turned off road & went
astray; made a left or made a right, but I don't see the
same old sight.
I feel that I did it wrong, but I don't know, the feeling's
strong. I ignore it, deny it, step on it, but I feel it--
the mistake.

the mistake I made when
I listened to the
Ones who laugh, taunt, and point
Because they, too, are
lost although they never knew
where they were going
never knew who they were hurting
so do i try to change it now?
if I do, do I know how?

If I know, what can I say, to turn back 'round the other
way?

So I
continue going
on--
although I
know that I
am
wrong.


1st October, 1995

FEAR of LOSS

I search the air, I search my conscious mind
Deep upon the dark I find, a light within: a source of life,
Reason to carry on above the fear of living without purpose.
Passing my feelings and pushing away my thoughts of fear,
I hear the whisper loud & clear
I understand & though I care, I still fear--
the feeling of loss; it restrains me & ties me up--
in knots, drowning my feelings of anticipation.
I lose all; feel the degeneration.
I'm deluded, dissolved in a cage of hate & regret.
The key I have is but within me only.
Yet, until I find it, I remain locked in & tied down--
By my fear of loss.


2nd October, 1995

I know you, I know your feeling
I know your memories
I know your dreams
I know your nightmares, fears
When you exhale, I inhale
Then breathe in your emotions
And exhale your emotions in a sigh:
A sigh of despair
Or a sigh of relief
A plea for help
Or a plea for death
I know of your pain within
For it is lying upon your exterior
A face of the poor
The poorest of the poor:
Those who hide themselves behind a wall of regret
Regretting not "what they have done, but what they have
failed to do."
Call it an awakening;
Call it a warning,
But you are your own bulldozer.
You can knock down the wall,
But it must be done
Before it is too late and you get shut in,
Like the poorest of the poor.


(more of 1995 to follow; and some of 1996, 1997, in later
installments)