SaiyanBlack

Rayvin Sorrows
2002-05-31 04:07:18 (UTC)

Same day

Amazingly enough, I have yet to find a word to decribe
my feelings. But in this enrty I don't intend to dwell on
that subject any longer.
Earlier today my cousin Julia sent me one of those
emails about them. Wait, that came out wrong. I mean they
send you a form with all these questions that you fill out
about the person that sent it to you. Then you send it
back, obviously. Well, me and Julia used to be really
close, we are only two years apart. And neither of us have
siblings (she has half sibs that are like, 20 years older
than her) so we became close friends. But the thing is
after I moved out to Colorado with my family, we started to
drift. Then my parents got divorced and my mom dragged me
back to California where we lived with my aunt and two of
my other cousins (4 and 6 years older than me).
I still never saw her much after that. I mean I saw her
at family gatherings and birthday parties and at our
grandma's house were we'd play with old barbies my mother
and her two younger sisters used to play with (Hey, I was
seven. Gimie a break).
But that was seven years ago and we driffed again. So
think about how stunned I was to get this email and have to
fill it out on someone I was no longer that close with. It
was asking me questions like "when did you meet me?" "What
did you first think when you saw me?" I was only a few
weeks old! I'm supposed to remember this stuff? And then I
think about who this email is usually sent to and I realize
that Julia might want to start up our friendship again.
So I fill it out as best as I can since I obviously
can't remember somethings that may have happened (I skipped
the ones made for friends of the opposite sex). Then I come
to a question at the end and it says "do you look up to
me?" At first I want to say "duh!" She is about half a foot
taller than me (me being only 1/16 inch under 5'3"). But
then I think about the question. It ment do I look up to
her as someone I trust, someone I can depend on. I smiled
and wanted to shout "YES!", but I didn't want to anouce the
fact that I was staying home to Chirs across the street
(the window was open and he was off track ((I go to a year
around school)) ).
The question after that was "did you ever hate me at one
time?" I personaly didn't know what to say. Did I hate her?
Not now. Did I ever hate her? I couldn't remember. Then I
got it. Here's what I wrote:
"Even after all the times you would jump at me from
behind corners and doors and scare the crap out of me, and
after every barbie doll soap opera in the living room of
Grandma's house and after all the times we didn't talk to
each other and never kept in touch, I never hated you. When
you were with me, you were there for me. That's all I ever
wanted."
In a way this diary is the same way. All I ever want is
for someone to be there when I need them. And even if
anyone can see this when they want, I don't care. For then
they'll know that they might not be the only one who needs
a listening ear and a warm shoulder to cry on.
I know what I'm feeling now. Nostalgic. Not only because
I got to take a trip down memory lane today, but because
the realization of a great friend's situation. New York is
a long way from California, and I shall miss him more than
I think I can comprehend now, because he is still here. I
have not yet gotten over the shock of the news he gave me
even though it was months ago, and likely I will have more
of a shock when I realize he's actually gone. As I write
this I am remembering all the times we'd done stupid things
together and how I used to think of him as my future
husband (that was a very long time ago).
Don't worry Mike. I understand what you are going
through many times over. And I know no matter where you are
you will always be my friend, and you will always have
friends. I love you man! Just keep rockin' and you'll find
yourself happy once again.

~To all those people I failed to keep in touch with. Know
that you will always be remembered within me, for I cannot
forget the impact you have all made in my life, whether I
knew you for two weeks or two years.~

Emotionaly yours,
Rayvin




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