Kelly

The Art of Self-Destruction
2001-06-13 22:59:02 (UTC)

So Very Dark

Me and Matt aren't going out, but we are "talking". Well
sort of. I still have him hanging on a string as to whats
going on.
But I wonder if that's really whats going on. Or is he the
one in control.
See, when ever we are just hanging out at school, he's
extremly cuddly. (And can get Extremly hands on).
I sort of like that, but it makes me uncomfortable too.
I've never dated anyone so publicly affectionate.
I've never been the cuddling type.

Im very very very confused, and have no clue what im doing
when it comes to him.

maybe i wouldnt have such a problem if i wasnt so self
concious. but maybe i wouldnt be so self concious if i was
thinner.
yet i cant get thinner until i stop eating.
i had been doing so good along those lines, then i lost it.
i lost all control.
i failed once more.
i cut tonight for the first time in close to a week. which
is a long time for me. but thats only because ive been
pretty much perma-stoned.
when i smoke i dont just get high and go on with life. i
stay that way for as long as possible. as in every
moringing, all day, and up and till i finally pass out at
night.
this is the first day ive gone without. well for now at
least.


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