Just a guy

Logic of the Insane
2002-05-31 01:39:39 (UTC)

Simple Update.

Shelly’s birthday was yesterday. . .the were only around
for about an hour. . .if that. They were presented with
traditional Drama Birthday Cupcakes from Mr. A, and a
birthday banana from me(Shelly asked for a banana instead
of a cupcake). He he he. Then, I gave them each a card and
some lip gloss. After, I presented Jackie with her
rock. . .I gave her this old one that I found when I went
camping when I was like 8, or 10, or some young age, She
wanted it to remind her of SP when she and Shelly go up
North this summer, and I gave Shelly a single pink
carnation. . .I was told she really liked pink carnations.
She was so incredibly beautiful. . .but I have become
very aware of the fact that our age difference bothers
her. . .I am only sixteen (will be until July) and she is
now (as of 5:40pm-May 29, 2002) nineteen. I mean, for over
a month, she will be three years older than I am. . .and
then, she will be two years older than I am. Two years is
nothing. . .when she is 25, I will be 23. . .when she is
30, I will be 28. . .but she is 19, and I am 17. . .and it
seems like more, then, with her in college and me in High
School. . .I can’t blame her for feeling this way.
Seriously, she is an adult, and I have to have a freaking
pass to go to the bathroom.
But I still love her. . .I have been trying to tell
myself that it will eventually happen. . .but I don’t
really believe it. Every time I see her smile, it makes my
heart ache, but I cover it up with a smile. . .I am happy
that she is happy, but I can’t help wishing for something
more. She changes my entire way of thinking, everything
bad. . .and there has been a lot lately. . .disappears.

That is enough about that. I have to take three sessions
of summer school this year, two World History, and one
called Proficiency. . .I don’t need it, but I need
credits. . .badly. I will also have to take probably two
PE courses at VC. And then Night School next year for
Physical Science. . .I am scared to death right now. I
don’t know if I will be able to do it, and then, I am
afraid of graduating. . .maybe it is just because I don’t
know if I can pull it off. . .I wish I hadn’t have moved
for freshman year, my life would be so much better right
now. Then, I started thinking about going to
college. . .and I don’t know if I am ready. I started
thinking about going to that big campus where I couldn’t
mess around anymore. . .I got scared. . .really scared. He
I am not even out of Junior Year and I am already worried
about going to college.
It seems as though I am afraid of what the future holds
for me. I am not ready to be an adult. . .I am not ready to
take care of myself, let alone another person. I am
terrified of moving forward. . .I just got to start having
a “childhood” in my teen years, I am not ready to give it
up. . .I think that is what my problem is. I wish that I
could face this with someone by my side, but everyone I can
talk to about this will be gone next year.
Gloria. . .Jerry. . .and I am not counting on Shelly. I
don’t deserve any of them anyway. I need to just stop being
such a wimp and face the future, whatever it may bring. I
need to take on the responsibility, and stop complaining
about things that I can't possibly change. Till next