Life as I know it.
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2001-06-13 20:43:09 (UTC)

i hate this heat

My god its like a gajillion degrees. WHY? I like it hot
but not this hot.

I got my resume to some companies today, gotta try for a
few more, even landed an interview tomorrow. I am
shocked...if it wasnt for Heather I wouldnt be this far in
my job search. And I realized that whatever job i take i
am goig to have to call off two days of work cause I have
that movie to do.

Thanks for the feedback everybody on the diary thing...and
the help and such with the whole Matt thing. I have come
to some conclusions...with my help and feedback from
everyone who has offered it to me.

1. He was afraid, he was falling too in love with me and
thinks I could hurt him big time...
2. He had an interest in this girl (he did meet her
before) figured he'd rather be with her than me, so instead
of cheating on me, broke up with me to be with her.
3. He cant handle serious relationshps
4. Im too independent for him.
5. When I finally started to speak my mind instead of
hiding what i felt, he couldnt handle it so he broke up
with me.

Along with me "being the one that got away" I already am
away. He pushed me away when he dumped me. Things have
changed, right after the break up I would have done
ANYTHING to be with him, but i no longer feel like that--I
wasnt the one that needed to change, it was him, he needed
to believe me more, trust me more, and give me credit. He
said he loved me (somethign he said he had never said to
any other girl) but if he did, if he truly did love me, he
wouldnt have dumped me, he would have tried to make things
work...and when i wanted a clean break he would have given
it to me, instead of torturing me with the whole friends
thing (that was bad but now I can deal, i still love him
but im moving on faster than i thought i would), he would
have let me explain things without interjecting during the
break up process...and he would have given me closure, I
still dont have that but im trying to find it myself...he
gave himself closure when he started dating that other
girl, i never got it. But how im getting closure is by
going out a lot, being with my friends and just remembering
the fun I had before Matt...fun I remembered while I was
with matt but didnt participate in cause I never wanted to
hurt him by being like "im bored and id rather be out with
my friends rather than be with you while you are sitting
around watching hockey". Cause I wanted to be with him so
much I sacrificed my life, the life I knew and that I liked
a hell of a lot, just so i can be with him. I was so
stupidly in love with him that I would probably sacrifice
my life for him...sounds sick but I would have. That's how
much I loved him and wanted to make me happy--by
sacrificing my life, and I kind of did that but I
sacrificed my social life, the life that I knew. I didnt
see my friends as much as I was used to, neglected things
that I had to do to better my life and the such...so I kind
of have a clean start...but with him in it...as an
acquaintence really not a friend. SO this is kind of
difficult but I have overcome a lot worse in my life,
thinking back to those times, I know I can survive. I will

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