Christine

Update

no job. i am woirthless. i am depressed. i have alcohol.. i
want to slice my wrists.. make a pretty lil cross and bleed
to death.. or find a railroad track.. was undersexed, now i
have sex and it hurts so im worthless in that area...

ive been thinking alot about my dead baby and it makes me
cry.. my future makes me cry.

im so far in debt.... everything is fucked up.. the only
good thing in my life is my boyfriend and things are
rocky,.. i barely want to be near him or anyone... im so
upset and cant tell anyone.... i dont want to be here
anymore but i close my eyes, envision my death and then my
funeral and cant do it. i cant willingly hurt those i
love... i dont have that much to look forward to...
everything will stay the same, i wont get what i want and
ill live in this menotimous spiral, waiting for the day
when im allowed to die.

by the way, did i mention im a wee bit depressed??

and today i was wonderintg why my dad doesnt love me? i
mean, whats wrong with me? he loves my brother so much but
cant even look me in the eye and tell me he loves me.. my
stepdad loves me more then my own father. i love my stepdad
more then i love my own father. Im not even sure if i love
my dad anymore. I say i do but it doesnt feel real. Its
just something i have to say in return. It shouldnt be this
way. I just wish he could love me and i could love him and
trust him and involve him in my life but its all a pipe
dream.. He is selfish and Im bitter and the 2 dont meet..

I want to know when all this will end. Havnt i suffered enough? My
whole life feels like one huge fuckin obstacle but instead of a
prizes at the end, i get another challenge. Why is this happening? Im
a good person. Why am i tortured so? Everytime something good comes
along, 10 bad things follow, and then the bad things attack me until
i finally snap and push away the good thing and am left with nothing.

No one sees me cry
Why do walls closes me in
Why cant i see the sun
Your smile
Why cant I feel joy
Please, ease up on me
I cant any more
Ive been pushed far enough
Ive reached the edge
I can look down and see the outcome
Blood
Scars in the sign of a cross
Pale facw
Lifeless eyes
Pain to those left behind
I do not want this
But everyday I have to fight it
Fight away the deoms
The dreams
The lure of no more pain
I dont know how much longer I can fight
Im weary
Sick of hurting
Sick of trying
Of being confused and torn
Im sick of not knowing who I am
Sick of failure
Of not being believed
Of ruining my life
Im sick of so many things
I want to say Im through
But I have other dreams as well
Happiness, light, rings, hope
Finding a way out of the shadows
And into his arms for good
But I doubt my fantasy
Death seems more real
More final in the banishment of my pain
Torn between my visions
Life, love
Death, freedom
Oh please leave me be
Let me at least rest
My soul stetches taunt
It cant go any further
And once it snaps
I shall follow