Sleeping with the lights on
2002-05-30 02:42:13 (UTC)

Today, yadda yo

I don't have anything new to say to people but I figured out
a lot of things in my head. They are all really bothering me
right now. I cannot go to bed. I will probably feel
different about that soon, but as for now..I can't do it.
I have no idea who I am. I want to meet people who are new.
I want to do new things. I want my heart to stop pounding.
I have also realized this:
It's really strange but in the last month I have totally
changed almost everything about myself. I had a really nice
group of friends, a really hot boyfriend (that was in a
band) and everything that I really thought I wanted..
then it all just kind of died away, and i was left there. I
made new friends. The kind that you connect with, and the
kind that you know are not really your friends. I have made
a lot of them, and some how I wonder, what happened to
change all of the things that were making me happy. Why am I
happy with a complete different life? I thought I knew who I
was then, I had a "life"..I do jack shit anymore. It drives
me nuts. What happened what happened what happened?
What happened was I had a total change of mind. I was spell
bound by this little tiny light.. and this light is starting
to blind me. I was going to stay with that for a minute but
i really want to go on about how everything changed.
i seriously do not know what happened between me and jeff.
that was just part of my like, reconstruction.
i had to start things new, in a new enviroment and everything.
the bad part is that i lost so much love for me, and that
love has probably turned more to hate than mutual
i don't think anyone really understands me because I don't
understand myself.
what does that mean?
I am really glad that i am trying to figure this shit out
but i still don't want to go to sleep.
----Why can't we find that person, why do we want to find
that feeling. that feeling may decieve you, and you'll end
up like me---- !!! BLAH!