kiss me, kill me, hold me, thrill me
2002-05-30 00:26:05 (UTC)

Why is life so confusing?

Ok, I am sure I mentioned that Dave is coming over this
Friday. The plan is for him to help me load my car and
then we're going out to a local tavern for dinner.

He just got dumped by the girl he was sort of seeing. He
said he wanted to get fucking drunk or something like
that. He wanted to go nuts on Friday. I mentioned that
the girls and I would be up for it since it is the Friday
before finals.

Then he drops a bomb that he doesn't trust himself around
me... It's like he wants to jump me and is afraid if he's
drunk he will make good on that. It hit me like a ton of
bricks. I mean I know that he has said he think's I'm
good looking and he really likes my personality. I like
him a lot too, just not in the way he might like me.

I guess I need to know how he really feels about me. If
he's worried about himself that makes me a little worried
about myself. I mean if he makes a serious pass at me
what am I going to do? John won't be there. Unless Dave
blabs that he's coming over and I don't see that happening.

Dave is probably going to get roaring drunk and stay the
night. He has to leave by 7am. That is just fine. He's
not even sleeping in my room. That would be crossing a
line I don't think I'd cross even when drunk (which I've
never been).

If anyone actually reads this thing let me know if you
draw any conclusions from it. I think I will e-mail him
tonight and tell him I'm still looking forward to his
coming. Maybe I should say we lay down a ground rules or
something. Maybe just say we will not get too close when
drunk or whatever. I have no clue what to think or say.

I need to let him know he didn't wierd me out too much...I
think. I am so unsure right now. I have no idea what to
think. I mean would he jump me if I let him? I would I
want him to? I do have to admit I am sexually attracted
to him, but that's not a real attraction.

To be honest I am really looking forward to him coming. I
can't wait for us all to get drunk and have fun. I got
him a couple of 12 packs of Sprite. I asked him what he
would want. He is being very nice and coming over here to
help me pack up my car. And he is bringing me some boxes.

I am also going nuts over this photo project. It's all
done and class is at 6. I hope he thinks it's pretty
good. I mean I need to get a pretty good grade. It also
reminds me of Dave since there are pics of him in it.

He said he doesn't trust himself with me when drunk. A
small part of me says that would be fun to find out what
could happen... The rest of me says heck no!

I wasn't planning on calling him at all today since I
already talked to him. If he's not on when I get back
from class I may end up e-mailing him anyway. I just want
him to know he is still welcome to come here and i really
want him to come. Also that I understand his concern
about not trusting himself, but I feel things will be ok
since there will be at least two other girls there too.

He is special to me and I don't want to loose his
friendship ever. I hope he can come to grips with all of
this. Maybe he hasn't thought about it at all. I don't
know, but it is driving me nuts!!!

I've gone so crazy I spilled pop on my mouse pad. It's
drying right now.

I don't quite get why this whole thing has me all messed
up. Maybe I need to get drunk tonight...Then again that's
not the answer. I don't have any good reason to get drunk.

I was trying to sensor what I would say to Dave. Problem
is I told him that and he asked me what I was going to
tell him. I said i was eating chesses...he asked if he
could have any...I said there wasn't any left...what he
got out of me later was i was going to offer him the stuff
between my teeth.

It's comments like that, that get me into this thing a
little deeper than I need to be. I don't know why, but
they just come out. He brings out a fun side in me that I
don't usually have.

Anyway, I'm off to photo class to be slaughtered by my