ambernbradley

The Amber Saga
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Ezoic
2001-06-13 06:15:10 (UTC)

more.. More.. MORE!

I'm back again. I felt like writing some more stuff. Not
just about today.. but what happens in my life. It's been
summer for about a week now. Yay.. Still, I can't feel
summer. It feels pretty empty really. Like something is
missing, something.. exciting. Last summer was exciting as
hell. I miss it, if you want the truth. I miss being
admired by two guys.. It made me feel good about myself,
probably because I'm so insecure and selfconscience. I
screwed everything up though. After that one night with
Seth.. my relationships were fucked. But I kept on.. not
thinking about who I was hurting. Hmm.. Actually.. it wasnt
just two guys.. There were others.. But not as much as Seth
and Andy. I should have never sent pics to Seth... That's
what started it all. Those damn pictures. I'm really stupid
sometimes. I know this is all jumbled up, but thats how I
think about it.. I mean.. I love seth... but it was wrong
of me to do that to andy. oh andy... i hope he knows how
sorry i am. Though.. If I could go back in time.. I'm not
sure if I wouldn't do it again. Which proves how much of a
terrible person I am. I liked the attention I got from
Seth.. But I still liked Andy.. I dont know why I did.. but
I did. I liked Seth too.. Argh.. It was so confusing. I
made a god damn list and everything. I remember everything
that happened. After I did what I did with Seth.. I had to
break up with Andy. Not because I didnt like him.. because
it wasn't fair to him. Oh, I was a mess after I broke up
with Andy. I'll never get over it. I still cry about it
sometimes. Seth, on the other hand, lucked out. He got ass
and me. I screwed things up with him too.. AMazingly after
months of recooperation.. and 2 other girlfriends he
stopped hating me, and now he's my boyfriend again. So
thats yay. But, I still cry about screwing up that too. I
dont know what the hell I was doing. Seth is one of the
best guys in the world.. and I hurt him. I hate knowing I'm
such an ogar. I hurt practically everyone I know. I dont
mean to either. Is it some kind of disorder? Or am I just
really that evil inside, and I just dont see it? I dont
know what my problem is. It's a serious problem. I need
some help, but I'm afraid to reach out. I want help. I do.
I want a psychologist to analyze me, and tell me whats
wrong. I don't think I'll ever get that help. I'm terrified
of what'd they say to me. But, if I don't.. I may continue
hurting people.. Is that what I really want?


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