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2002-05-29 03:44:20 (UTC)

can't wait til im over

im looking forward to the die i kill myself. i know that i
will. i don't have the guts today to do it, but i can feel
it. i know destiny will bring me there. this pain has
been present and increasing ever since i was born. my
cause of death will be a sudden act of self mutilation in a
fit of rage. chances are slim that something will deter
that. all this fuckin pressure, the basic stuff ive never
been able to cope with, i can't even talk from the heart
about anything without crying. and i will never tell
anyone. it all goes back, i can blame every scrap of pain
on myself. i would never want anyone to blame anyone for
anything i do, especially my suicide. i know ill hurt some
people with that, but honestly, they'd all be so much
better offf without me. this i know. to never be born at
all would be the best way, to never be a hurter. i know,
im a pain to everyone. they all can't stand me, the only
reason some people say they love me is just b/c of
bloodline, too much time with me, or pity; all reasons
people just make up to make themselves think that i should
still be alive. mercury is dead, not even she can save me
now. for now, i just need to get some salt/lemon juice to
pour into my minor cuts to repress all my feelings. don't
blame anyone, all the pain is my doing. don't feel sorry,
i mean nothing in this world. its honest.