Wo ist Amanda?
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2002-05-29 03:39:48 (UTC)


I love to write poems, they help me get my feelings in
order. So, here's one, just for the record:
I'm awake,
But nobody notices
I'm walking,
But everyone passes
I'm talking,
Yet nobody hears
I'm crying,
Do you see my tears?
I'm hurting
Nothing will heal
But who cares how I feel?
I'm falling,
Who will catch me?
I'm broken,
You don't see me
I'm scared,
Why don't you comfort me?
I'm alone and trapped
I'll never be free
I'm dying now,
Everything's blurry
I'm fighting
But why keep on living
I'm gone now,
But no one mourns me
I'm forgotten,
But I'm not worth remembering
I'm lost,
I can't find my way
I'm awake now,
To face another day...

Yeah, there's like the first poem I wrote. I do feel so
alone sometimes. I mean, people are constantly surrounding
me, yet I am so alone. I don't know if that makes any
sense. But I really don't care if it makes sense, it's how
I feel. I think the irony of that poem is that I still
have to wake up and start another day...when all I want
sometimes is for it all to be over. Life sucks...really
bad. I guess I don't have it half as bad as some
people...but it's still so hard. I mean, everywhere I go,
anything I do in life, my baggage follows right at my
heals. I can't get rid of it, and worst of all, nobody
else wants to deal with it either. So I'm always left by
anyone who ever cared or loved me...simply because they
can't deal with the things I deal with every day and night
of my life. I'm 16. Why does all this shit happen to me
now? Couldn't it wait until I was like 30 or 40? Not like
I would have liked it then either, just that I don't want
to be dealing with this shit, when I should be having fun
and leading a worry-free life, just like every other
teenager. I wish somedays that all I had to worry about
was what outfit I want to wear to school, or what guy I
want to go out with, or what I'll do this weekend. Yet,
people who's lives ARE like that, they make me so sick!!!
It sometimes helps me to remember that "what doesn't kill
you, makes you stronger". If thats the case, then HA!!!
I'm the worlds strongest 16 year old girl!!! I love
Erick...yet I hate him so much. He loved me, then hurt
me. It's all really confusing, to tell ya the truth.
Anyways, my friend, Amber, moved to Florida about a year
and a half ago. I missed her so much. But then she
stopped sending mail, stopped calling, and moved to
somewhere else in I couldn't keep in touch
with her either. I started to really be mad at her, for
all the times she promised that I would "always be her best
friend, no matter the distance". You see, the thing was,
that I WAS up to making sure we kept contact until she
could either move back, or I had enough money to get a
plane ticket to go see her. But I guess she wasn't. Well,
the other day, I called around and found her mom's cell
phone number. We talked, and we decided that I'd come out
and see her this summer and we'd email each other until
then. Well, I hope everything works out. Well, I'm doing
finals now, and they aren't that, at least that
isn't stressing me too much. Ok, I better go to bed now.
Good night. Oh yeah, Chris, if your reading this...I got
your message and I will try to give you advice as best I
can...from a girls point of view! I'll go ahead and send
it to your diary.